Back to blogging again, as usual I like to blog when I feel like shit as blog is where I can really release my sadness/frustration/anger or anything that has a great impact in my life.
After reading your blog post just now, I was totally shocked by the hatred you have for me and the hatred you have for this relationship. When I read it I really did not know how to response to it and only can blame myself for realized it too late, really. There is so many things that I wish to do to make the relationship better but I didn’t know everything that I do just make the relationship status from bad to worse. The truth is I don’t understand you well enough and I totally neglected your feelings. The feeling really sucks when I read your blog just now, I didn’t know the damage I cause to the relationship is so great that it can’t be salvaged anymore. I am really very sorry for being such a jerk, for not cherishing you well enough and only regret it after that. Many empty promises was broken by me and when I think back, I don’t know what words can I say to defend myself anymore.
Maybe its too late to say now but actually I enjoy reading my own gf blog for people that do not know this, because sometime through blog I get to understand my gf better and able to help bond the relationship better. I will go even as far as reading my gf blog posts that is as long as one year back or something so that I can understand my own gf and handle the relationship better. I know your blog add like one or two month ago when I was at your house one night, but sadly everytime I try to surf the blog it is always password locked, or rather it require me to sign in at the website. Therefore I couldn’t read the blog at all, I was afraid to ask you for your access because I was hoping I can read it in secret and do something that can surprise you to make you happy. It may sound like excuses or lies again, but I really keep trying to surf your blog which only end up with nothing. Now when I think back, if only I throw away my ego and pick up the courage to ask you for the access, how will the relationship be like now…
I am sorry for being selfish for the past few months and often neglected your feelings, always trying ways to shun away from the problem and with the mentality of “act blur live longer” mindset, thus building up the frustration in you. I hate myself for not knowing you well enough, not putting enough efforts and action to solve the obstacles between us. I feel like an ass when nothing I do now seem to bring the relationship back anymore coz you have already give up on it, like totally.
For the past one week, I have been checking your twitter like every 2hour, be it I am working or I am not working. Everytime I read it I only feel sadder and sadder, but however I can’t stop myself from doing it because that’s the only way I can know how are you. I remember you said that twitter is where you will tweet about anything and everything, through twitter you will post like how you feel for the day, what’s your mood like etc… That time when you told me your friend bf actually went to open a twitter account so that the bf know more about your friend, to be honest I did thought about opening a twitter account also just that I do not know how to open it and I feel like a idiot if I was to ask you because I always laugh at people for tweeting. Its me and my ego, seriously that has done damage to my life in many way. Now that everything is already returned and not with me anymore, I think I just going to feel even more lonely then before and somemore I got no more music in my life when I go work or travel around..
Life SUCKS, so do me! FML..
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