After what happen yesterday, with all the confessions and heart to heart talk, I find myself so faked at work today. In my workplace, everyone think that I am a very cheerful and friendly person whereby to them my life seems to be so nice and I am like a happy go lucky kind of person. Especially when my students or friends come find me at my workplace in the past, my crew is like thinking I actually got so many friends and I seem to be quite popular. But seriously I am not!! To be honest, I don’t even really have friends to hang out with other then my mahjong kakis that only see me when play mahjong. In fact I feel like total shit today at work to the extent that I really don’t feel like talking to anyone at all, but I can’t do that! I hate myself for having to put up a strong front at my workplace, not able to show my real emotions to them. I feel faked, so much about being true to myself huh? That is like me slapping my own face.
When you told me today that actually you don’t have hatred for me anymore because you choose to let go everything, that is like indirectly hinting you did hate me before and now you feel more at peace because you have already let go everything and we are still friends. This make me very confused, somehow or rather this is telling me that you did have hatred/anger/frustration throughout the relationship. A relationship involves the commitment and effort from both parties just like it takes two hands to clap. When one person effort or commitment start to outweight another person, that is where the relationship start to get imbalance and this destroy the relationship. Very often, when I start to put my full commitment into a relationship, it is usually too late for it to work it out.
You told me that you don’t really think we are official girlfriend and boyfriend, to you it feel more like we are only dating together. So much for all the hugs that we shares, the kisses that we gave and countless stayover at one another house, does that still mean we are only dating one another? If that is only dating, that means whatever we do in the past is what you and chia will be doing because you 2 are dating now, that means the same thing will happen. I can’t imagine the fact of my ex getting intimate with my own friend, I really can’t take it especially when the ex still mean so much to me. Everytime now and then it just keep me thinking about you n him spending time together which hurts me even more.
I know no matter what I say will never change your mind on giving up on us, as much as I plead with you asking you for forgiveness and one more chance, somehow it just doesn’t work out. To be honest, my heart totally shattered when you tell me that I am not your cup of tea and that is like huge blow to my heart feeling the pain even more. Its like the past few months is actually wasting your time, because nothing came out from it.
I think right now I can only act like nothing has happened and continue to live “happily” in the eyes of other people, maybe putting up a false front infront of other people will make other people happy and also let u less worry about me. Like what I told you this afternoon, “yes I am so happy that I finally single! Can celebrate my singlehood already as its been a long long time…” Deep down inside, I think the only thing I can celebrate now is me drinking alone at home to celebrate for being such an ass and failed in cherishing a person that I should be cherishing, once again! So I should smile and smile and smile, smile to everyone but not myself… I will be strong, yes I will in the eyes of yours.
*In the process of forgetting what is a real smile
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