4 days of off!

Dang! Today marks the end of my 4 days of off! Looking back, even though I might not spent it as fruitfully as I want it to be, somehow I hope I didn’t totally waste the 4 days of off away. Been playing mahjong for the past few days, though it’s not a very wonderful activity but I did manage to earn some money and also get to know some new friends, well…I can take it as a chance for me to broaden my circle of friends!

 Shi san yao!

Saturday went to visit my san sao, she just gave birth to my baby niece, this is my 3rd time being an uncle! When I step into the hospital, I can really tell the difference between a private hospital and a government hospital, needless to say the money difference is very big also. Pity my brother had to work even harder to cover up the costs but anyway still congrats to him for finally becoming a father! :)) After the visit I went to have a early mother day dinner with my family, we went whampoa to eat the famous fish head steamboat. I think nowadays people are very smart, when there is special occasion, they will mark up the prices of everything. A usual $38 steamboat on a normal days cost freaking $58 on that day?!?! Some more its like inside a hawker centre only, they even dare to mark up the prices by so much.. WTS…


As for Sunday, I went to buy durian roll for my mum as I have no idea what to buy for her for mother day, so I decided to buy something that she like to eat. Then for Monday I went to store to do some work before I head off to play mahjong. Today is the only day that I didn’t play mahjong, went to hougang sec in the morning to work for Aikon then came back to nua/sleep all the way till evening time.


Was having cravings for prawn just now, so instead of wasting money to buy from outside, I went to NTUC to buy lots of prawn and came home to cook it myself. End result = total enjoyment!

 Shiok!

As I was planning my finance for the next few months just now, I was hoping that I could have enough money to go for a short holiday in either August during my birthday period or in November before the school holiday started. Been craving for Taiwan trip or Thailand trip for as long as I can remember, but I not sure should I save up the money to go overseas or should I use the money to get my car license soon. Right now my house got 3 car + 1 lorry, as long as I got my car license, I can drive car so often because my brothers often go overseas, so there is a lot of chance that I can drive their car. This keep me thinking for quite a while.. hmm…


To think about it, I think I am already slowly picking myself up and getting over it. Now in my life I feel more relaxed, even though I feel very lonely at times, at least I now is only responsible for my own timing and I don’t have to report to anyone. I think got good and bad also, but well..I believe slowly when I start to hang out with my friends more often then everything will get better! 


STAY STRONG AND KEEP SMILING!

Take care dear adeline... I will miss you..

Matching couple?? ^_^

Whatsapp playing a trick on us!

 We look so retarded in the photo!

I just reached home not long ago from yishun, suppose to go clubbing with Sam/Kelly/Elizabeth but end up it was cancel because Sam was having diahorrea and Kelly think that its too little people to have fun for clubbing. So end up, I managed to jio some people to play mahjong at yishun to kill my boredom away on a sat night. Lucky I got home 5-10mins early, if not I think I will be totally drenched by now because outside is raining heavily as I am typing this blog post.



Anyway, I think this blog post will be the final blog post that I am going to blog about you I guess? I shall force myself not to blog anything more about you in the future and I believe its gonna help both of us in the long run. Even my family do not know that we have already broke up, during my family dinner just now my mother was still saying she hasn’t seen you for quite some time already, but I just told her you are kind of busy etc, I think as time passes by they should be able to realized also anyway.

Here I go…



Thanks for giving me a chance to read both your tweets and blog once again, as I read through I can somehow feel the emotions that you are going through when you are typing the blog post, the sense of disappointment/anger/hatred can be strongly feel in the blog post. Well, I suppose that could serve as a great wake up call to me too.

In response to your blog post, did I ever force you to say sorry when you hit onto me? Did I ever get very angry with you when you didn’t say sorry after hitting onto me? As far as I remember, I don’t recall it and I would want to ask you something, how often such incidents happen throughout the few months we are together? 2 time? 3 time? I can say its very rare and to me this is only a small minor thing, I can’t believe that this could actually contribute as one of the factor for breakups!


As for how I meet her behind your back, throughout the few months I probably meet her like less then 5 times in total after you know about her existence? I think woman are really kind of funny, you wouldn’t want to know that I m meeting her yet you are very mad at me when I didn’t tell you I am going to meet her. I know that in the first place I shouldn’t even be meeting her in the first place, but after you and me got together, when I and her meet up we are just like normal friend meeting up for a meal or something, nothing much. Even you do meet up with your guy friends or even worse, play strip poker with them. Yes, you can say I m immature, I was really very mad when you told me you play strip poker with a group of guys. Its like WHAT THE FUCK are you playing such games with a group of guys, they can be the most trusting friends you ever have but seriously which boyfriend would allow their girlfriend to play that with a group of guys that the boyfriend don’t even know?!


I am sorry that I am not a very sensitive person, I couldn’t get your hints and in a way I think I totally don’t understand you well. We know that both of us jump into the relationship without much thinking and this could lead to many problems in the future, I do not understand you much and therefore a lot of times I can only make assumptions about what is going through your mind.

I remember on the day of the break up you ask me two questions, “do you know what is the reason of the break up?” and “do you know why I wouldn’t ask you to be my boyfriend?” Both questions lead to the same answer which I answer it is because I am attached and I had a “girlfriend”. So let me ask you something, is it anything wrong for me to think that once I broke up with her then you will come back to me and be together with me? Is there anything wrong for me think that way? So I don’t understand why do you feel I am a idiot for thinking that way.

Anyway, I am glad that you have finally admitted you have a crush on chia all along and that kind of explain everything also. Everything just happened too fast and I believe everything happened for a reason. Somehow, I can slowly see myself in you, in terms of character we might not be alike, but trust me I can say that we both suck at managing a relationship. Communications and effort work in a two way traffic in a relationship, when one party only put in 40% of efforts, definitely another party has to put the 60% to make the whole relationship balance up and slowly it will become both party put in a 50% effort together. I am sorry that my efforts only come right at the end of the relationship, is it too late? Yes I think it is too late already, but well…at least I did tried and I am still trying for the past one week or so. But nothing I do or say now is going to help the situation in any way. As much as I put my ego down to beg you and plead you, doing anything and everything I can to have you back, nothing seems to work at all.

Once again, I think reading your blog serves as a good wake up call to me, like seriously. All your emotions can be felt as you are typing the post and this strongly tells me that I should really move on and don’t interrupt in your life any more. I can tell you this, don’t need to think about having a friendship with me as I can tell you that is completely wasting your time, I had enough of you telling me everything is over and there is no more chances already. This time round I have COMPLETELY GET YOUR POINT LOUD AND CLEAR, so mark this down, I will stop asking you to give me any more chances because I do not want it anymore also. My feelings for you is dead, I will do anything I can to ensure that I do not hold back any feelings that I have for you from now on. I will force myself to be strong and move on.

Last but not least, even thou we might have quite a few quarrels and lots of unhappiness throughout the short relationship, I am still glad that I once had you as my girlfriend. We might not done many things together or spent a lot of quality time within the past few months, but I will never forget the things that you have done for me throughout the few months. So therefore I would like to thank you for everything that you have did for me, thank you for coming over my house to take care of me when I am sick, thank you for helping me to get Ipod/Itouch to use for the past few months, thank you for buying perfume for me when you barely know me well, thank you for lending me money on my hard times, thank you for folding my clothes neatly everytime when you come over and finally I would like thank you that you did love me before.

  Good morning!

 I think the 2nd photo look nicer!

Our last photo together!

After saying thank you, I also would like to apologize for several things also. I am sorry for hurting you throughout the few months, sorry for neglected your feelings, sorry that I sometime just throw temper at you when I am late or feeling down, sorry that I always give you empty promises, sorry for not understanding you well enough and lastly I am really sorry for everything that I did that cause you to be upset or angry. Throughout the relationship, it is never my intentions to hurt you in anyway and I really blame myself at times when I know you are upset, my heart could feel the sadness too. Sorry girl, I am really sorry for everything.


So…as I was saying this will be my last blog posting that I going to blog about you, next four days is my off days and I am unsure how am I going to spent it usefully. But no matter what, everything about us is already over and I m glad for you that you have finally found someone that will love you for who you are, hope you can have a smooth relationship with him. Take care my dear Adeline, I will miss you.


P.S: The day that I start saying I love you in the relationship, is the day that I confirmed my feelings that I really love you and really happy to have you as my girlfriend.

 

 I never regret knowing you on this day...

This is my favourite photo of us, we both look so great!

Thanks for being part of my life.

 
 

Act blur live longer!

Homely feel!

 Party like a rock star!

Just finish bathing after coming back from work about 1hour ago? Shall blog one post before I go to sleep.
Had a long day today, woke up this morning at 7am and went to do an event at Hillgrove Sec for a 4hour program. It feels good to see some of my friends at the event and was even happier when one of them told me that she is planning to organize an ubin outing soon for catch up session. I think that is a great idea as normally when I do event for Aikon, the facilitator usually only see each other for few hours only, it feel more like just normal colleagues then friends, therefore I think if there is a outing we can get to know each other better and could even become good friends in future.
So after my event I went to have lunch alone at woodlands as the rest of the facilitators have to go another school for another event whereas I got about 4hours free time to myself. So after lunch I went back home to nap for 2hour before I start my night shift at Mac. Comparing to past few days of work I think today work is not so tiring, still manageable as it is just like any other normal Friday crowd with the consistent sales coming in.
But well…as I work and work and work, somehow or rather I will just automatically thinking about you. Through facebook I am aware that today is actually chia birthday, I should be wishing him a happy birthday but somehow I just can’t bring myself to do that. The situation now is very different and if I was to do that, I am like throwing my ego away and making friend with my love rival. I admit that I am a very egoistic person, especially when it comes to relationship my ego become even bigger, maybe its just me and my character, some might say I am childish that I can’t take it like a man and let go like a man. But to me, I am just standing by my rights and trying to protect a person that I love. To me, my girlfriend is definitely more important then my friends and that is why I don’t really have a lot of close friends because most of the time my close friends are actually my girlfriend.
As a ex boyfriend of you, I keep thinking how are you celebrating chia birthday today. Will there be any surprises that you have nicely planned up for him? Or maybe his birthday is a good opportunity that you two will get together officially. All these things been running through my mind, I am unsure and confused about whether should I know the details or should I live with the mentality of “act blur live longer”. In the beginning when you first break up with me, at least I still have Kelada with me and I easily read your tweet about how are you. Right now I have return everything to you, news about you can only get it through facebook or maybe through people that I know. Definitely not everything that I read or hear could be accurate, because I don’t get it directly from you and most of it I can only make assumptions. Yes, making assumptions, something that you don’t like me doing but well…I don’t really have any other choice right…
Today is Friday night and it is chia birthday, I been thinking how you will spent the night tonight. Are you going to stayover at his house? Is he going to stayover at your house? Or is there anything special that is going to happen? Hmm…as time pass by many questions just keep popping out of nowhere. Oh well… I will only get my answers in time to come I guess?
Hmm…anyway tomorrow I will be going clubbing. Yes, my official clubbing since last year? Its been quite a long while since I last club and hopefully it will turn out to be a good one. Hasn’t really drank alcohol for quite some time and gotta pray that I won’t have a hangover after tomorrow night clubbing. I just want to have fun and wish nothing bad comes along.
P.S: Nothing feel any sweeter when you came over to take care of me when I was sick, pamper me like a little child and help me to get water/medicine etc, I feel loved. Totally.

slutty me!

 SMILE!

 Look so young!

 Looking like a funny! why huh?!

Aloha! I think I didn’t blog for yesterday, maybe my feel for blogging is starting to die down I think? But anyway! I shall just continue blogging till I really don’t feel like blogging anymore or maybe the time that I stop blogging for very long will be the time I have finally let go of everything and move on. I just got a new nickname, slut!


Spend more then 12hours at my store for both yesterday and today, both day I was late for work because I totally overslept, suppose to work at 7am but I woke up at 7am! Well done, good job and I should give myself a good pat on the back! Haha.. Anyway breakfast sales was damn crazy, I didn’t know exam period the breakfast rush of students can be so busy until I experience it this two days, the queue is like never ending and the customer are still being ever nasty as ever.. The only good thing is I can make myself as tired as possible and reached home can just bath and knockout totally!
As I was saying, I suppose to end work for both day at 4pm or latest should be only around 5+ 6pm, but somehow or rather I just slowly do my work in the store until I left store about 9pm or both day? Xueqi did come down to find me for dinner yesterday, as I already reject her for quite a few times and I think she has been waiting for me since she end school, I decided to meet her for dinner. Initially I thought she was only joking about dinner, end up she really ask me what time are we meeting. Dotz! -_- But well, I and her is completely nothing because I have really learned from my previous relationship, don’t give people wrong impression and anyhow jump into it. Thus, I m just treating her as a friend like a casual meet up and if there is nothing to hide, what’s wrong with telling that to everyone? Just for information, my feeling still stuck with you, nothing has changed even thou it is slowly drifting away and away and away…..


Exchange a lot of messages today with you, but none of the message seem to make our current situation any better. Many time when we message, I always have the slightest hope that we could be back like before but every time we will just talk to the extent that I am like erm…ok!, I just feel that I should give up on everything and stop contacting each other completely. I feel damn stupid and lousy everytime when you list out flaws of the relationship or maybe flaws about me. Yes I should be brave enough to face it, but did it really have to repeat over and over again? You get angry when I assume you already move on, you get pissed when I assume that you don’t have feelings for me any more, you get upset when I assume you never loved me right from the start. But dear Adeline, sometime I really wish you could feel what I am feeling too. More then one week has passed, up till now I still can say I love you, I still can dare to admit I love you. But do you dare to do that? You tell me about we should communicate with one another, but how can we communicate when you don’t tell me anything? Is it my fault for assuming you have moved on? Maybe I suck at understand you, but honestly I really can’t feel that you still have feelings for me. Its more like yes, you still care for me as a friend, but you also care for many other friends that you have, so isn’t it fair for me to assume that you have moved on and I being treated like any other normal friend that you have?

Sometime when I read your message now, I don’t know whether to reply or should I just remain silence. My heart is bleeding everyday and I am getting tired and more tired. I already know that nothing I do or say is going to bring us back like before, moreover you further confirm it by saying you don’t see a long term future with me. That’s like wow! Thanks for saying that girl! I didn’t know you actually have this kind of idea all along and maybe this is also why it contributes to the failure of our relationship? I don’t know, seriously.. Sometime I will just keep thinking about the time that we spent together and all the words that you said after we broke up, its like completely contradicting one another. So many things that I do not know about you and you was still telling me that I didn’t communicate enough with you? Ha! I am seriously which are the real you my dear Adeline.

You were saying I am not man enough to protect you, asking me am I afraid of pain etc. Well, I am afraid of pain but does that make me any much less manly? I can swear to you, if anyone was to harass you or bully you I will definitely stand out for you. I will protect you and pamper you like a little girl, but how often do we really have a chance to see such things? It might seem like just words but not action, but well…are you telling me that you really for such incident to happen so that I can show you my manly-ness? Hmm...

I think actually looking at our relationship on a outsider point of view, there is one thing that is kinda scary. In a relationship, its not the person that reveal true emotions during the relationship that is scary, it is the person that burst out everything after the relationship that is scary. There is so many “surprises” to the extent that you will never expect what is running through another person mind throughout the whole relationship, suddenly you will start to feel like the person is a total stranger to you because you completely don’t understand him/her even if you are hugging the person to sleep. Yes, I feel that I do not understand you and there are many things that I discovered after the relationship is indeed shocking to me. But regardless of what, I am not pissed or angry with you for whatever situation, perhaps its not even your fault at all. Maybe we are not fated together, maybe its just not the correct timing, but as far as I know now….I am not your cup of tea and I am still searching for my motivation to move on.





P.S: I still love you as I do before.

Feeling like a boss!

 Dating!

 The first time we meet!

 Our first hug??

Just got home after a round of mahjong + supper, yup its mahjong again! Since I don’t have a gf now, my life is revolving around mahjong and work only I guess? Anyway I had a satisfying supper even thou I don’t have frog porridge to satisfy my cravings, I substitute it with a nice cheap piping hot duck porridge, so results equals to….FEELING LIKE A BOSS!! Haha..

Right now time is 5am as I am typing this blog post, I wonder what am I going to do when I wake up from my sleep later, should I head to my store or should I just stay home to nua the whole day since my body condition is not 100% in tip top condition yet. I need to take care of my body, if not later my BFF is going to come find me soon.

I did something this noon that I not sure is it a correct move, I message my boss and tell him that I am actually ok to go back and work on my off days, if need me can always inform me and cancel my off days. When I told him that, I not sure what is going through my mind also, even though he told me he will inform me if he need me back at work, I got a feeling high chance I won’t get recalled back to work.

Few days ago my ex fling contacted me out of nowhere ask me what block I stay, she told me that she is at sembawang for some friend birthday or something. Then throughout the day we exchanged quite a few message as I was busy with my work also, then I realized something. I realized that every time when I and her message, its very easy the content of the message will slowly become like she will start to say something like miss meeting up with me etc and when am I going to meet her. Not to be thick skin or what, I think if I want to meet her anytime she sure make it free to meet me, but the thing is I don’t want to give her a wrong impression. To me I am only treating her now as a friend, not a fling partner or anything, that’s why I always scare that I will give her the wrong idea.
As much as I am feeling very empty and lonely now, I know that I cannot treat her as a substitute to you because it’s a big wrong thing to do that. In the past maybe I don’t care so much about treating another person as a substitute, but now I know that I shouldn’t do it anymore. If I am not ready for a relationship, I should not just jump straight in. At this moment, I know that I still love you and my mind still keep thinking about you, every night I worry about how are you, how is your ulcer, did you wake up on time for your attachment etc. Many times I got a sudden urge to give you morning call to wake up for work, but I know that I can’t do it because you are not my gf anymore, I will be like a ass if I am like giving morning call everyday to another person gf.

Girl, I might not treat you well like how chia treat you now, but I know one thing for sure is that I have gone through the pain of losing you away, no one can feel it better then I do and if given a chance I definitely will cherish you and love you no lesser then how chia love you now. I know its already too late for me to regret now, but well…there is nothing I can do now except ranting on my this ranting ground now… oh well…

Care as a friend? hmm

 So studio effect!

My tongue is long! haha!

Shall type out one blog post before I head out later! Hmm.. Tomorrow is my off day, since just now I have been thinking how can I make my tomorrow a fruitful day for me so that I don’t end up wasting another off day away


Dear girl, I appreciate that you care for me and worry for me as a friend, but do you know that it takes me longer to get out of it. Every time when I receive your message, my heart felt something, even thou the conversation might not be pleasant but somehow or rather I just feel something when I received your message. The few months together I think it is a dream, I might not have a fantastic memory but I do remember sweet things that you do for me. Still remember the first time you sent me a long message? I actually copy down and save the message in my phone. It sound funny but ya…I love it when my gf do sweet things to me, it might be small little thing but it never fail to brighten up my days. If only a relationship is that simple. When I read the message over and over again, how I wish I could go back to April and rewrite our relationship stories again. Haiz…


**warning, long msg ahead**

Hi dear, its already e month of april:) im glad and happy for who i am now. Look how far we've come. Itve been a few months, but it felt like it was just yesterday tt ive met you.

Miserable march is finally over, glad that it ended mirthfully. More months to come, more years to live. How i wish everyday could be like yesterday(sleep, eat, shit, sleep eat shit) But everyday is a brand new day:) Full of suprises and joy awaits to come into our lives.
To be honest, Every now and then, i would still feel very insecure. All these nights i sleep with worry. Worry that i might lose you one day. Worry that you're gone when im awake the next day.
I know you wont want me to feel this way. And i also know that, my friends wouldn't want me to be with someone who is attached. But I put myself into thoughts. Is it all worth it? Yes i said. Why? Don't really know. Still unsure, but you see, I'm still here. Im not gone yet. Many at times i put myself in situations to force myself to make a decision, to leave or stay. I said, i would leave, i would leave, yes i would leave!!! However, i cant seem to do it. I don't want to. But the pain is killing me slowly, deeply. I have you with me, but i always wonder if your heart is with me too? Or elsewhere. I really, really, feel insecure...
I have also thought. You have the ability to have 2 girlfriends. Why cant i have 2 boyfriends? I thought and thought about it. Ha, gave myself a slap and said NO! What is my point of having another guy? To make you jealous? NO, this is not the way it works. I will hurt myself even more.
A great relationship is made up of two good forgivers they say. I have to forgive you, of your past. I have to let it go. Ignore the past. Live the future.

It is really... really tiring... But these few days that we spent together, tells me that you really really love me.. Questions you ask, start to make me feel better... I love how you care when you ask me if "Amk/Bishan would be a better location"... I love how you care for my transport.. I love how you would send me home despite me living 25.8km away frm u.. I love how you hug me to sleep.. I love how you say goodnight darling and give me a goodnight kiss.. I love how you would make decisions (on what to eat :p)... Theres so much more to say, i bet you know what would i wanna say. Ahh, getting a lil long here.

Dear, i believe that we will be happy happy everyday!!!!!!!! ^_^ (sorry i dont know how to end ~_~) There is so much more to say.. But.. HELLO GOOD MORNING DEAR, I AM ALL GEARED UP AND READY FOR MY ATTACHMENT!!! AND HELLOO HAVE A HAPPY NICE DAY!!

I had a BFF named FEVER!

 Big Big bed!

 Mini Garden??

Just got home from a overnight shift, feeling damn tired plus was drenched along the way home, ZzZZ… Supposed to come home changed and head to ITE simei to do a 2d1n camp. But my current condition is making me to drop the idea, my eye infection is like getting from bad to worse and I got a feeling my best friend fever is coming to find me soon again.




Talking about fever reminds me of the last time I had fever, I had a gf that came over my house to take good care of me and pampered me like a little child so that I can recover fast from the fever. I really miss that period, it make me feel very well loved by you dear. Anyway those were the days back then, I think now if I was to have fever no one will really bother much about me also except maybe for my colleagues because they need to cover my shift. Girlfriend that will take care of me when I fall sick has already disappear, I can only rely on me, myself and I. Right now as I m typing this blog, I can barely open my eyes because of the stupid infection and at the same time gotta worry is my fever going to come soon to haunt me. Getting fever now will be a bad timing because there won’t be anyone else around to take care of me like before.



This coming week I got so many off days until I don’t know how should I spent it fruitfully, original plan was to go for a short holiday trip with my gf for bonding session. But now…haiz.. all the efforts is just going down to the drain, it will never work according to plan anymore. At the moment I actually got a crazy idea of going on a bike road trip alone during my long off days, maybe I can try riding into Malaysia to further places like Malacca or even Kuala Lumpur. This will be very interesting and at the same time dangerous I know, because if I was to carry on with this plan its almost possible that I m doing it alone. So whatever things that happen to me in Malaysia no one will know also. Hmm…This is a interesting proposal I shall consider, there won’t be any daring soul that is interested enough to join me thou.

Be true to yourself

 Rainbow in relationship?

Another night of blogging on a HAPPY Saturday night! Work opening shift today, which means that I start work at 7am and by right should end work at 4pm or latest around 5pm? Actually today work is kinda stressful as today there is no additional managers, I ownself alone need to manage both shift and cash today from 7am to 4pm. This is totally a crazy idea because today is a Saturday and its only my 2nd weekend opening shift at this new store. Beside that, my boss and small boss will also be in store to verify my shift and use it to set a example be it good or bad for other managers to learn. Therefore, it is kinda pressurizing and end up I did not do very well for it. When my boss feedback to me after that, even thou it is positive feedback but I still feeling like shit because I think that there is some much better that I can achieve. And right now when I feel like shit, I got no one else that I can share with. No girlfriend and no friends, everything just feels so empty




Even though today is a Saturday, I did not have any program at all, surprisingly I did not even bother to go ask people out for mahjong. If I was to have programs and I am fast enough, I can actually leave my store at 5+pm, but end up I just took my own sweet time and finish my work around 8+. The thoughts of going home strike a fear in me, I am afraid of going home facing my four wall because I know I will start to think more and more which lead me to becoming emotional. Even after I end work, I don’t even know whether I want to go home or just wander around alone outside.



End up I decided to go home and spent my sat night alone, doing nothing but watching tv only. Am I leading a happy life now? Yes, I am so “Happy” now, so “Happy” that sat night I am at home watching tv alone. How fantastic is that?!?!



I remember you telling me that all your friends support the idea of you getting together with chia and totally encourage you to break up with me. I feel so disheartened upon hearing that, even thou I am in the wrong but did you ever tried to change your friend idea about me like telling them the nice things that I did for you etc? Maybe its really a unfair judgment because your friends do not really know much about me or maybe don’t even know much about our relationship. So allowing them to actually influence your thinking about me doesn’t seem to be fair to our relationship. You told me that we should be honest to ourselves and honest to people around us, I think maybe you should ask yourself also, are you really honest to me too? When you able to straight away start dating with chia right after you broke up with me, that really tells a lot of thing my dear girl. Its either all along you have a crush on chia and just waiting for something to happen between you two OR in the first place you actually don’t really love me at all. Your feelings changes too fast, really too fast until I am now thinking are you really serious about me when we are in the relationship or you are just waiting for a better candidate then me appear infront of you. As much as you may be disappointed about me and the relationship, if you was to love me a lot you wouldn’t start dating with another guy so soon, unless you are telling me that chia is a substitute only but I know definitely he is not.



So actually this relationship contain lots of obstacle, maybe its just that both of us put in full effort at different timing which led to the current situation. Or maybe it’s really just me; it’s always my fault for not being decisive to know what I want in a relationship. I want to dote on you, pampered you like my little princess, makings changes so that you will be more proud of me etc but well, I don’t even have the chance to do it anymore.



Hmm…at this current moment, I also don’t know what are my emotions supposed to be like. Probably happy? Yes! I am happy that I am spending my sat night alone, happy that when I am sad I got no one to share with other then myself. How great is that, I think I should just give myself a round of applause.

Smile? If only this will make you happy..

I m back to blogging again…hmmm… let’s see how many days will I be so “motivated” with blogging.




After what happen yesterday, with all the confessions and heart to heart talk, I find myself so faked at work today. In my workplace, everyone think that I am a very cheerful and friendly person whereby to them my life seems to be so nice and I am like a happy go lucky kind of person. Especially when my students or friends come find me at my workplace in the past, my crew is like thinking I actually got so many friends and I seem to be quite popular. But seriously I am not!! To be honest, I don’t even really have friends to hang out with other then my mahjong kakis that only see me when play mahjong. In fact I feel like total shit today at work to the extent that I really don’t feel like talking to anyone at all, but I can’t do that! I hate myself for having to put up a strong front at my workplace, not able to show my real emotions to them. I feel faked, so much about being true to myself huh? That is like me slapping my own face.



When you told me today that actually you don’t have hatred for me anymore because you choose to let go everything, that is like indirectly hinting you did hate me before and now you feel more at peace because you have already let go everything and we are still friends. This make me very confused, somehow or rather this is telling me that you did have hatred/anger/frustration throughout the relationship. A relationship involves the commitment and effort from both parties just like it takes two hands to clap. When one person effort or commitment start to outweight another person, that is where the relationship start to get imbalance and this destroy the relationship. Very often, when I start to put my full commitment into a relationship, it is usually too late for it to work it out.



You told me that you don’t really think we are official girlfriend and boyfriend, to you it feel more like we are only dating together. So much for all the hugs that we shares, the kisses that we gave and countless stayover at one another house, does that still mean we are only dating one another? If that is only dating, that means whatever we do in the past is what you and chia will be doing because you 2 are dating now, that means the same thing will happen. I can’t imagine the fact of my ex getting intimate with my own friend, I really can’t take it especially when the ex still mean so much to me. Everytime now and then it just keep me thinking about you n him spending time together which hurts me even more.



I know no matter what I say will never change your mind on giving up on us, as much as I plead with you asking you for forgiveness and one more chance, somehow it just doesn’t work out. To be honest, my heart totally shattered when you tell me that I am not your cup of tea and that is like huge blow to my heart feeling the pain even more. Its like the past few months is actually wasting your time, because nothing came out from it.



I think right now I can only act like nothing has happened and continue to live “happily” in the eyes of other people, maybe putting up a false front infront of other people will make other people happy and also let u less worry about me. Like what I told you this afternoon, “yes I am so happy that I finally single! Can celebrate my singlehood already as its been a long long time…” Deep down inside, I think the only thing I can celebrate now is me drinking alone at home to celebrate for being such an ass and failed in cherishing a person that I should be cherishing, once again! So I should smile and smile and smile, smile to everyone but not myself… I will be strong, yes I will in the eyes of yours.



*In the process of forgetting what is a real smile

I deserve it for my current situation

Back to blogging again, as usual I like to blog when I feel like shit as blog is where I can really release my sadness/frustration/anger or anything that has a great impact in my life.




After reading your blog post just now, I was totally shocked by the hatred you have for me and the hatred you have for this relationship. When I read it I really did not know how to response to it and only can blame myself for realized it too late, really. There is so many things that I wish to do to make the relationship better but I didn’t know everything that I do just make the relationship status from bad to worse. The truth is I don’t understand you well enough and I totally neglected your feelings. The feeling really sucks when I read your blog just now, I didn’t know the damage I cause to the relationship is so great that it can’t be salvaged anymore. I am really very sorry for being such a jerk, for not cherishing you well enough and only regret it after that. Many empty promises was broken by me and when I think back, I don’t know what words can I say to defend myself anymore.



Maybe its too late to say now but actually I enjoy reading my own gf blog for people that do not know this, because sometime through blog I get to understand my gf better and able to help bond the relationship better. I will go even as far as reading my gf blog posts that is as long as one year back or something so that I can understand my own gf and handle the relationship better. I know your blog add like one or two month ago when I was at your house one night, but sadly everytime I try to surf the blog it is always password locked, or rather it require me to sign in at the website. Therefore I couldn’t read the blog at all, I was afraid to ask you for your access because I was hoping I can read it in secret and do something that can surprise you to make you happy. It may sound like excuses or lies again, but I really keep trying to surf your blog which only end up with nothing. Now when I think back, if only I throw away my ego and pick up the courage to ask you for the access, how will the relationship be like now…



I am sorry for being selfish for the past few months and often neglected your feelings, always trying ways to shun away from the problem and with the mentality of “act blur live longer” mindset, thus building up the frustration in you. I hate myself for not knowing you well enough, not putting enough efforts and action to solve the obstacles between us. I feel like an ass when nothing I do now seem to bring the relationship back anymore coz you have already give up on it, like totally.



For the past one week, I have been checking your twitter like every 2hour, be it I am working or I am not working. Everytime I read it I only feel sadder and sadder, but however I can’t stop myself from doing it because that’s the only way I can know how are you. I remember you said that twitter is where you will tweet about anything and everything, through twitter you will post like how you feel for the day, what’s your mood like etc… That time when you told me your friend bf actually went to open a twitter account so that the bf know more about your friend, to be honest I did thought about opening a twitter account also just that I do not know how to open it and I feel like a idiot if I was to ask you because I always laugh at people for tweeting. Its me and my ego, seriously that has done damage to my life in many way. Now that everything is already returned and not with me anymore, I think I just going to feel even more lonely then before and somemore I got no more music in my life when I go work or travel around..



Life SUCKS, so do me! FML..