drifting away?

Today was my off day and I somehow just waste it away I suppose? Woke up and went out to eat alone then went down to my store to settle some admin stuff. Ya, I went down to my workplace even on my off day, I seriously think I am committing more and more time to my store already and this is really a bad sign, but then again...if I didnt go down to my store today, I really don't know whats my plan for today. Actually suppose to have a few plans for today, supposed to go food fair with one of my friend but I end up decided not to go with her, I also not sure why also.. Just suddenly don't feel like going and also I feel like seeing siew.. Therefore I decided to go down raffles find siew, I know she got no time to eat dinner together so I just hoping I can go down to accompany her taking transport back to NTU.

She used to tell me that she loved the times that we spent sitting trains and buses together traveling around, this allow us to communicate more then traveling by bike. Well...Of course things doesnt go accordingly as planned, I didn't expect she has already planned to go back NTU with her friend after her work and somemore I didn't inform her beforehand that I am going down to accompany, thus I don't have the rights to accompany her back to NTU. Oh well..actually I think about informing you beforehand girl, but I know that if I was to tell you beforehand, you sure ask me don't waste my time to come down and accompany you back. So with that kind of answer in mind, how can I bring myself to inform you beforehand? I just didn't expect you have already plans to go back NTU with your friend and I suppose that is already a weekly kind of thing.

Therefore I got no choice but to make my way back home alone and spent most of my night watching tv at home alone. I didn't bother to ask people play mahjong because I already promise siew that I will try to minimize on gambling, thus I am trying to cut down on mahjong also. Watching tv at home make me realize there are so many movies that I feel like watching, but then again...who can I ask to watch movies with me? For the past two year, I already so used to watching movies together with gf, even thou there are occasion that I still watch with friend, but watching movie with gf and watching it with friends is totally different kind of feeling. I think I will be really nuts if I end up really go watch movie alone... zzZZzz

Tomorrow is mooncake festival, comparing one year ago and now really many things has changed... One year ago our relationship was still so sweet, I still can remember us playing candles at a place near my hse, I think that time we still got play firecracker somemore and make the whole place damn smoky.. haha.. That was the very first time that I play candles with my loved one, I don't think I ever did it with any other girlfriend before. Once again, we gave our "first time" to one another! One year ago, maybe to others we are quite childish, but now when I think back it is totally sweet memories.. If I have the chance, I don't mind do it all over again with you not for 1 time or 2 time, but for many many years to come.

For the past few years, I realize September has always been a shit month for me, it always have to happen in the September. Maybe I should consider just sleep through the month of september and hope october will be a better month to come.. haiz..

Under stress?

Looking at the photo above, we look like such a sweet couple and up till it has still remain as my hp wallpaper even thou we have already broke up for so many days. Till now I still can't accept the fact that relationship between us is already over, when I happened to glance at your phone wallpaper yesterday over dinner, it just further demolish my hope of saving the relationship when you have already change your wallpaper. Maybe its your way of letting people know you are single, or perhaps maybe is your way of trying not to think of me so much in order for you to get over soon.

When we meet up for dinner yesterday, even thou its only for a short while like barely less then an hour? I am really glad to see you and able to talk to you. When we are walking towards the coffeeshop, many times I have the urge of holding your hand and kissing you, but I have to resist the temptation because I know you are no longer belong to me and if I was to do it, I don't think there will be any more meet up already. Up till now, whatever I said still remain the same, if given a choice I really still want you as my gf and I still love you alot till this moment. You are constantly on my mind and nothing seems to distract me from it.

You ask me whether I am under stress recently because I seems to grown skinnier? I ownself seriously didnt realize I have grown skinnier or maybe is you too long never see me already. To be honest, yes I admit I am under stress, I am under stress thinking about our relationship all day long, the memories that we once shared and the pain that we go through together. Be it work, friends or family, nothing will be too stressful for me except relationship. No matter how things turn out badly for me towards friends or family, it could never measure up to the effect that a relationship can cause to me.

- I might not be the bf that understand you the most
- I might not be the bf that treat you the best
- I might not be the bf that cherish you the most

BUT

I am the bf that is always trying to give you everything I got, everything I do I always think of you. My poly buddy once told me that I suck at remember things like studies or any other important stuff, but my memory skill for remembering things in a relationship is excellent. He said that I always can remember all the small details of a relationship like what the girl like to drink, places that travel together before or things that done together before. I can't help but to agree his statement and I guess that is the thing that always make me unable to get over a relationship. Green tea is something that I know will never fail to brighten up your mood, I can even think of a slogan like "a bottle of green tea a day keep siew hui happy everyday!". Anyway I guess you are also quite shocked that I came down to bring dinner and drinks for you, but I guess you are really quite busy or maybe you just don't feel like talking to me? I don't know, but I think even if a friend was to visit you, you will at least wait for the lift together with him or her, but well...all I could think of perhaps you are really that busy just now, so ya...never mind.. I am still stuck in the battle of fighting the war alone, got no idea when this is going to end..

I really don't want to lose u away...

Back from genting after a 3d2n trip there with my mum. I should say this is quite a bad trip because lost alot of money plus my citibank card is being retained by the stupid atm due to wrong pin keyed. Totally FML!!

When I was walking around in genting, everywhere I go make me think of you. Really thinking of you, even thou when we are in genting we spent lots of time in the casino, but I really miss the holiday trip we had at the beginning of the year. This time round when I went with my mum, trust me I seriously don't want to bet much. I remember you asking me not to bet too much and I remember it clearly. When I lost the initial amount of money that I brought there, I already plan not to change the money and bet somemore already. I try go walk around the shopping areas alone while my mum is inside the casino gambling, everywhere I go I see couples if not will be people in big group. I rarely see any person travelling individually or shopping alone. Looking at couples and groups of people make me keep thinking of you again, I miss the time we shop together be it KL or genting and every single things we do together. The more I walk around the more emo I get, end up I head back to casino and continue betting aimlessly. I know many people will say this is me finding excuses to go gambling but dear, my this trip I am really going there with a heavy heart, my mind is constantly thinking of you. Everynight at genting, I only can look at your photos in my phone and cried myself to sleep.

You have played a too much important role in my life, something that I only really feel the pain when you are not by my side now. When I on my way back to singapore, I have already calculated my finance and I know it is completely screwed up with debts and debts and debts. I know no one like their bf/gf to be down with so much debts, I also don't wish to be stucked in this situation also. This genting trip and our relationship status now really give me a very big wake up call. I already planned up find a part time job to top my monthly income so that I can clear my debts faster. I also forcing myself to stop gambling on soccer or go casino anymore, at least not in the near future. This may sound lies but I guess only time will tell.. haiz...

those were the days...

Holiday with a heavy heart?

This blog post is my last post before I go for genting holiday trip with my mum and most likely this trip is going there with a heavy heart. I think the situations just got worse as days passes by and somehow I am shocked with the message that I received today.

The things that I type over here is not really a show of anger or frustations, to be honest it is more of like regrets that I am having now that led to our current situations, I regret for not treating you well enough in the past and build up a very strong foundation for our relationship before you entered uni. Every words that I type here hurts me more then hurting anyone, I am literally slapping or even stabbing myself with words when I type anything here. Yes I admit I am the person that have the thoughts of breaking up, but it is never easy for me to give up on this relationship because I seriously don't want this to happen. We all know where the problem in the relationship is, its just that you don't wish to admit to it and I don't like it to always put on a false front infront of you thinking that you still love me as much as before.

I am seriously shocked when you say my way of thinking is scaring you, is it really a wrong thing for me to think how I think when there are evidence and facts to show that you really don't love me so much anymore whereby I am actually loving you more and more? I am doing my part as a boyfriend yet my own girlfriend is telling me that I am scaring her? You know that I don't like it when a person lie to me and even worse will be I discovered the lies myself, its like you know slapping myself right in the face yet I can't do anything. But anyway its alright, I guess everything is my fault, I am just being a unreasonable boyfriend and too kaypoh for always worry too much for you. Maybe I shouldnt have fallen so deep into this relationship and give in so much to it that everything I do seems to be taken for granted already. Maybe its a wrong thing for me to vent my frustrations on facebook because I do not have any friends to have a heart to heart talk with? Everything is just my fault, let's just put blame on me ya.

I admit life will never be the same anymore since few days ago, you and me is already leading a different life now. To be frank, its more like I need you in my life then you need me in your life. There are thousand and one friends that is always there to console you or guys giving you tender loving care to pick yourself up when you are down, but for me I can only keep everything to myself because I can't even share this kind of things with my colleagues or even my family. It hurts, really...

Anyway I have no idea how this genting trip will turn out to be like with so many things happening before this trip. Furthermore my mom just told me yesterday night she have a bad feeling about this genting trip will have some bad things happened, she asked me to be extra careful. How nice this could be eh? oh well.. even my own body condition is going against me, has been vomiting for few days straight already, I think there is something wrong with my stomach also.. but oh well..who cares...

If you are still reading my blog, then maybe the only good news I can shared with you is that I managed to wash clean the red jacket with some chemicals and washing powder already. So you no need to feel bad or have the thoughts of buying another jacket anymore, you can save the money for some other important use already. And also I think maybe you should consider stop reading my blog and it might help you to lead a happier life and easier for you to get over me. I think the only purpose I still log into this blog is that this is the only place that I can express everything out with words or sometime pictures. Each day pass by make me miss you even more and think more of the past memories that we once shared together, memories of hugging you to sleep is something that I can only dream of it now. Truth hurts and life sucks when there is no love. FML

*recovering process*

I am missing you, do you miss me too?

Few days has passed since that day and I am still in my recovering process from all the things that has happened recently. Today is my another off day which off with no plans initially. After that terence msg me to jio me play mj, I was hesitating to play because I don't wish to waste two off day playing mj straight for two days but at the same time I afraid I got no program at all for the rest of the day. Then Amelia suddenly msg me ask why I so emo lately and want to join her with other few instructors go museum anot. Ya, jio a person like me go museum! Anyway, I think I m also crazy that I actually agree to visit museum with them instead of going to play my favourite hobby mj. I guess maybe I am still carry a hope that I could probably meet siew for a meal or something today, so if i was to go play mj I will be stucked there and unable to go meet siew.

Oh well...I left my hse in the late noon, drop by my workplace to collect schedule for september and head down to meet them. Went to a few museum with them and visited Istana for the first time in my life. Its freaking big with quite nice scenery, the only sad thing is I am not sharing the same scenery with someone I love. Haiz..

After Istana went for dinner together with them at PS, around 7+ all 3 of them have to go off for different reason. One need to go air port, one need to book in and another one is heading home, thus I am left with no program. As I do not want to go home so early, I ownself wander around from PS to 313 to Cine to Taka to lucky plaza to far east plaza and finally opposite far east plaza. I can't believe I actually so bored till this extent that I even have the thoughts of walking home from orchard! It sound like a crazy idea and ya, end up didnt do it. I took bus 167 from far east there and sit all the way back to sembawang.

Every I go brings back memories of us and this just keep me thinking. Seeing you happily chatting with your uni friends at facebook I don't know I should be happy anot, I can't stop thinking is that you really get over it so fast or you are just trying to put up a fake strong front? I really do not know and I am still coping with the days without you by my side.

sigh

Past and Present..

- I used to take you for granted
= I used to think that no other bf will treat u as nice as me
= I used to think that you are the most blur gf that I ever have
= I used to think that everything that you done for me is what I deserved to be treated as your bf
- I used to think that without you I probably still can carry on with my life as per normal like any other relationship I had before

But now..

- I hate myself for taking you for granted in the past
- I hate myself that I can't stop missing you everyday
- I hate myself for being so weak that I can sometime teared easily while thinking of you
- I hate myself for waking up in the middle of the night thinking of you and I got no one that I can shared with.
- I hate myself for being so lost without you in my life

This is really FML

can life get any worse then this? FML

I am back for a random post again, many things happened in my life for the past few weeks and unfortunately mainly are unhappy stuff.

My relationship is going on a haywire down especially when you started your uni life. Even though before your school start we have already foresee this problem coming, I didnt expect it will turn out this bad as I am no longer your priorities anymore. You do not wish to sacrifice any of your current commitment and that probably tells me that I am the only thing you are willing to sacrifice. It hurts me alot when I know that I am already not that important to you anymore, sometime I find myself even less important to your uni friends. Is it because your love has already expired and your "fire" for the relationship has already died down? I really do not know, the more I think the more it hurts me badly.

For the past few days I did think alot about us, thinking of the memories we once shared together especially both our overseas trip in Genting/KL and Batam. We go through many things together, "your A level period" / "my army period" / "doing camps and events together", there are so many memories we shared together that I don't think I can ever list finish everything.

Its really sad that you are willing to give up our relationship over all the commitment you are having now, I should have see this coming long ago. I guess the relationship is already not working out ever since the wee incident few months ago, we have never ever managed to build back the strong foundation that we once had after that incident. The trust issue has been affecting us for quite some time already, especially when I know about what happened between mike and felicia, I should have expect it to happen on us also.

Maybe life for u still carry on as per normal because you will never be short of activities to do and there are always people to keep you occupied, I do not know how am I going to get through this period.

Life can't get any worse then this when my mom told me this afternoon that wendy might be put to sleep this friday/saturday. She has been a strong girl but her illness is getting from bad to worse, getting weaker and weaker to the extent that her bone can be seen from the wound. She have been with the family for close to 12 years, this is really a news that will affect the mood of my family. Bad things just keep happening to me non-stop. FML

Back for the worse or for the good?

I am back! maybe for just a few post, suddenly have the urge for blogging, maybe due to many things happenened recently i guess? hmm..

Managing a relationship is never a easy task I must say, especially when the relationship started off from a unusual way. I believe that I am a person that handle relationship slightly different from other people. Normally when couples get together, the first few month is usually honeymoon period whereby both guy and girl will be very sweet to each other and then the "fire" will slowly start to die down depending on the efforts both party put in. But for me, it work different in the way whereby normally all my relationship, I will start to love the girl more in the later part of the relationship and very often it will be totally opposite for the girl, they will start to love me lesser and maybe I should say less committed to the relationship? I wonder where does the problem lies... hmmm...

*Honestly speaking, up till now I still really regret letting you to go work at your current workplace, I am angry with myself for introducing you the job and end up cause so much trouble to the relationship. Insecurities is what I feel nowadays, the trust process needs both parties to build up and put in lots of effort together. I don't like when guys calling or messaging u in the middle of night so often and sometimes even asking you out. It hurts me even more when I know the way you call them is the exact same way you calling me, am I really the same as them? Sometime you might think that I m being paranoid, but I am a guy and I can totally understand what other guys is thinking about you. The moment you call them sweet names or being sweet to them, you are indirectly leading them to other things already. Is there really a need for this to happen? haiz..

Anyway recently I receive a surprised sms from someone special to me jioing me for mahjong, upon receive the sms I was shock yet happy. haha.. Its been one year plus since I last saw the person and I can't deny she will always be someone special because of the memories that I had with her. Upon seeing her, I realized she has really grown up already compared to 3years ago, from the way she dress and the way she talk. She brought me back to the memories that I once had with her, be it good or bad, it just keep me thinking. The last time when I saw her, she was still attached to someone that I know, a guy that leave a sour memories to me in terms of friendship. But now the girl has already got out of relationship and got attached with another guy, this is sort of a happy and sad news to me, I know this sound ironic but ya.. Hopefully will get to see her for mahjong soon again..