This blog post is my last post before I go for genting holiday trip with my mum and most likely this trip is going there with a heavy heart. I think the situations just got worse as days passes by and somehow I am shocked with the message that I received today.
The things that I type over here is not really a show of anger or frustations, to be honest it is more of like regrets that I am having now that led to our current situations, I regret for not treating you well enough in the past and build up a very strong foundation for our relationship before you entered uni. Every words that I type here hurts me more then hurting anyone, I am literally slapping or even stabbing myself with words when I type anything here. Yes I admit I am the person that have the thoughts of breaking up, but it is never easy for me to give up on this relationship because I seriously don't want this to happen. We all know where the problem in the relationship is, its just that you don't wish to admit to it and I don't like it to always put on a false front infront of you thinking that you still love me as much as before.
I am seriously shocked when you say my way of thinking is scaring you, is it really a wrong thing for me to think how I think when there are evidence and facts to show that you really don't love me so much anymore whereby I am actually loving you more and more? I am doing my part as a boyfriend yet my own girlfriend is telling me that I am scaring her? You know that I don't like it when a person lie to me and even worse will be I discovered the lies myself, its like you know slapping myself right in the face yet I can't do anything. But anyway its alright, I guess everything is my fault, I am just being a unreasonable boyfriend and too kaypoh for always worry too much for you. Maybe I shouldnt have fallen so deep into this relationship and give in so much to it that everything I do seems to be taken for granted already. Maybe its a wrong thing for me to vent my frustrations on facebook because I do not have any friends to have a heart to heart talk with? Everything is just my fault, let's just put blame on me ya.
I admit life will never be the same anymore since few days ago, you and me is already leading a different life now. To be frank, its more like I need you in my life then you need me in your life. There are thousand and one friends that is always there to console you or guys giving you tender loving care to pick yourself up when you are down, but for me I can only keep everything to myself because I can't even share this kind of things with my colleagues or even my family. It hurts, really...
Anyway I have no idea how this genting trip will turn out to be like with so many things happening before this trip. Furthermore my mom just told me yesterday night she have a bad feeling about this genting trip will have some bad things happened, she asked me to be extra careful. How nice this could be eh? oh well.. even my own body condition is going against me, has been vomiting for few days straight already, I think there is something wrong with my stomach also.. but oh well..who cares...
If you are still reading my blog, then maybe the only good news I can shared with you is that I managed to wash clean the red jacket with some chemicals and washing powder already. So you no need to feel bad or have the thoughts of buying another jacket anymore, you can save the money for some other important use already. And also I think maybe you should consider stop reading my blog and it might help you to lead a happier life and easier for you to get over me. I think the only purpose I still log into this blog is that this is the only place that I can express everything out with words or sometime pictures. Each day pass by make me miss you even more and think more of the past memories that we once shared together, memories of hugging you to sleep is something that I can only dream of it now. Truth hurts and life sucks when there is no love. FML
*recovering process*
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