drifting away?

Today was my off day and I somehow just waste it away I suppose? Woke up and went out to eat alone then went down to my store to settle some admin stuff. Ya, I went down to my workplace even on my off day, I seriously think I am committing more and more time to my store already and this is really a bad sign, but then again...if I didnt go down to my store today, I really don't know whats my plan for today. Actually suppose to have a few plans for today, supposed to go food fair with one of my friend but I end up decided not to go with her, I also not sure why also.. Just suddenly don't feel like going and also I feel like seeing siew.. Therefore I decided to go down raffles find siew, I know she got no time to eat dinner together so I just hoping I can go down to accompany her taking transport back to NTU.

She used to tell me that she loved the times that we spent sitting trains and buses together traveling around, this allow us to communicate more then traveling by bike. Well...Of course things doesnt go accordingly as planned, I didn't expect she has already planned to go back NTU with her friend after her work and somemore I didn't inform her beforehand that I am going down to accompany, thus I don't have the rights to accompany her back to NTU. Oh well..actually I think about informing you beforehand girl, but I know that if I was to tell you beforehand, you sure ask me don't waste my time to come down and accompany you back. So with that kind of answer in mind, how can I bring myself to inform you beforehand? I just didn't expect you have already plans to go back NTU with your friend and I suppose that is already a weekly kind of thing.

Therefore I got no choice but to make my way back home alone and spent most of my night watching tv at home alone. I didn't bother to ask people play mahjong because I already promise siew that I will try to minimize on gambling, thus I am trying to cut down on mahjong also. Watching tv at home make me realize there are so many movies that I feel like watching, but then again...who can I ask to watch movies with me? For the past two year, I already so used to watching movies together with gf, even thou there are occasion that I still watch with friend, but watching movie with gf and watching it with friends is totally different kind of feeling. I think I will be really nuts if I end up really go watch movie alone... zzZZzz

Tomorrow is mooncake festival, comparing one year ago and now really many things has changed... One year ago our relationship was still so sweet, I still can remember us playing candles at a place near my hse, I think that time we still got play firecracker somemore and make the whole place damn smoky.. haha.. That was the very first time that I play candles with my loved one, I don't think I ever did it with any other girlfriend before. Once again, we gave our "first time" to one another! One year ago, maybe to others we are quite childish, but now when I think back it is totally sweet memories.. If I have the chance, I don't mind do it all over again with you not for 1 time or 2 time, but for many many years to come.

For the past few years, I realize September has always been a shit month for me, it always have to happen in the September. Maybe I should consider just sleep through the month of september and hope october will be a better month to come.. haiz..

I really don't want to lose u away...

Back from genting after a 3d2n trip there with my mum. I should say this is quite a bad trip because lost alot of money plus my citibank card is being retained by the stupid atm due to wrong pin keyed. Totally FML!!

When I was walking around in genting, everywhere I go make me think of you. Really thinking of you, even thou when we are in genting we spent lots of time in the casino, but I really miss the holiday trip we had at the beginning of the year. This time round when I went with my mum, trust me I seriously don't want to bet much. I remember you asking me not to bet too much and I remember it clearly. When I lost the initial amount of money that I brought there, I already plan not to change the money and bet somemore already. I try go walk around the shopping areas alone while my mum is inside the casino gambling, everywhere I go I see couples if not will be people in big group. I rarely see any person travelling individually or shopping alone. Looking at couples and groups of people make me keep thinking of you again, I miss the time we shop together be it KL or genting and every single things we do together. The more I walk around the more emo I get, end up I head back to casino and continue betting aimlessly. I know many people will say this is me finding excuses to go gambling but dear, my this trip I am really going there with a heavy heart, my mind is constantly thinking of you. Everynight at genting, I only can look at your photos in my phone and cried myself to sleep.

You have played a too much important role in my life, something that I only really feel the pain when you are not by my side now. When I on my way back to singapore, I have already calculated my finance and I know it is completely screwed up with debts and debts and debts. I know no one like their bf/gf to be down with so much debts, I also don't wish to be stucked in this situation also. This genting trip and our relationship status now really give me a very big wake up call. I already planned up find a part time job to top my monthly income so that I can clear my debts faster. I also forcing myself to stop gambling on soccer or go casino anymore, at least not in the near future. This may sound lies but I guess only time will tell.. haiz...

Holiday with a heavy heart?

This blog post is my last post before I go for genting holiday trip with my mum and most likely this trip is going there with a heavy heart. I think the situations just got worse as days passes by and somehow I am shocked with the message that I received today.

The things that I type over here is not really a show of anger or frustations, to be honest it is more of like regrets that I am having now that led to our current situations, I regret for not treating you well enough in the past and build up a very strong foundation for our relationship before you entered uni. Every words that I type here hurts me more then hurting anyone, I am literally slapping or even stabbing myself with words when I type anything here. Yes I admit I am the person that have the thoughts of breaking up, but it is never easy for me to give up on this relationship because I seriously don't want this to happen. We all know where the problem in the relationship is, its just that you don't wish to admit to it and I don't like it to always put on a false front infront of you thinking that you still love me as much as before.

I am seriously shocked when you say my way of thinking is scaring you, is it really a wrong thing for me to think how I think when there are evidence and facts to show that you really don't love me so much anymore whereby I am actually loving you more and more? I am doing my part as a boyfriend yet my own girlfriend is telling me that I am scaring her? You know that I don't like it when a person lie to me and even worse will be I discovered the lies myself, its like you know slapping myself right in the face yet I can't do anything. But anyway its alright, I guess everything is my fault, I am just being a unreasonable boyfriend and too kaypoh for always worry too much for you. Maybe I shouldnt have fallen so deep into this relationship and give in so much to it that everything I do seems to be taken for granted already. Maybe its a wrong thing for me to vent my frustrations on facebook because I do not have any friends to have a heart to heart talk with? Everything is just my fault, let's just put blame on me ya.

I admit life will never be the same anymore since few days ago, you and me is already leading a different life now. To be frank, its more like I need you in my life then you need me in your life. There are thousand and one friends that is always there to console you or guys giving you tender loving care to pick yourself up when you are down, but for me I can only keep everything to myself because I can't even share this kind of things with my colleagues or even my family. It hurts, really...

Anyway I have no idea how this genting trip will turn out to be like with so many things happening before this trip. Furthermore my mom just told me yesterday night she have a bad feeling about this genting trip will have some bad things happened, she asked me to be extra careful. How nice this could be eh? oh well.. even my own body condition is going against me, has been vomiting for few days straight already, I think there is something wrong with my stomach also.. but oh well..who cares...

If you are still reading my blog, then maybe the only good news I can shared with you is that I managed to wash clean the red jacket with some chemicals and washing powder already. So you no need to feel bad or have the thoughts of buying another jacket anymore, you can save the money for some other important use already. And also I think maybe you should consider stop reading my blog and it might help you to lead a happier life and easier for you to get over me. I think the only purpose I still log into this blog is that this is the only place that I can express everything out with words or sometime pictures. Each day pass by make me miss you even more and think more of the past memories that we once shared together, memories of hugging you to sleep is something that I can only dream of it now. Truth hurts and life sucks when there is no love. FML

*recovering process*

I am missing you, do you miss me too?

Few days has passed since that day and I am still in my recovering process from all the things that has happened recently. Today is my another off day which off with no plans initially. After that terence msg me to jio me play mj, I was hesitating to play because I don't wish to waste two off day playing mj straight for two days but at the same time I afraid I got no program at all for the rest of the day. Then Amelia suddenly msg me ask why I so emo lately and want to join her with other few instructors go museum anot. Ya, jio a person like me go museum! Anyway, I think I m also crazy that I actually agree to visit museum with them instead of going to play my favourite hobby mj. I guess maybe I am still carry a hope that I could probably meet siew for a meal or something today, so if i was to go play mj I will be stucked there and unable to go meet siew.

Oh well...I left my hse in the late noon, drop by my workplace to collect schedule for september and head down to meet them. Went to a few museum with them and visited Istana for the first time in my life. Its freaking big with quite nice scenery, the only sad thing is I am not sharing the same scenery with someone I love. Haiz..

After Istana went for dinner together with them at PS, around 7+ all 3 of them have to go off for different reason. One need to go air port, one need to book in and another one is heading home, thus I am left with no program. As I do not want to go home so early, I ownself wander around from PS to 313 to Cine to Taka to lucky plaza to far east plaza and finally opposite far east plaza. I can't believe I actually so bored till this extent that I even have the thoughts of walking home from orchard! It sound like a crazy idea and ya, end up didnt do it. I took bus 167 from far east there and sit all the way back to sembawang.

Every I go brings back memories of us and this just keep me thinking. Seeing you happily chatting with your uni friends at facebook I don't know I should be happy anot, I can't stop thinking is that you really get over it so fast or you are just trying to put up a fake strong front? I really do not know and I am still coping with the days without you by my side.

sigh

Past and Present..

- I used to take you for granted
= I used to think that no other bf will treat u as nice as me
= I used to think that you are the most blur gf that I ever have
= I used to think that everything that you done for me is what I deserved to be treated as your bf
- I used to think that without you I probably still can carry on with my life as per normal like any other relationship I had before

But now..

- I hate myself for taking you for granted in the past
- I hate myself that I can't stop missing you everyday
- I hate myself for being so weak that I can sometime teared easily while thinking of you
- I hate myself for waking up in the middle of the night thinking of you and I got no one that I can shared with.
- I hate myself for being so lost without you in my life

This is really FML

can life get any worse then this? FML

I am back for a random post again, many things happened in my life for the past few weeks and unfortunately mainly are unhappy stuff.

My relationship is going on a haywire down especially when you started your uni life. Even though before your school start we have already foresee this problem coming, I didnt expect it will turn out this bad as I am no longer your priorities anymore. You do not wish to sacrifice any of your current commitment and that probably tells me that I am the only thing you are willing to sacrifice. It hurts me alot when I know that I am already not that important to you anymore, sometime I find myself even less important to your uni friends. Is it because your love has already expired and your "fire" for the relationship has already died down? I really do not know, the more I think the more it hurts me badly.

For the past few days I did think alot about us, thinking of the memories we once shared together especially both our overseas trip in Genting/KL and Batam. We go through many things together, "your A level period" / "my army period" / "doing camps and events together", there are so many memories we shared together that I don't think I can ever list finish everything.

Its really sad that you are willing to give up our relationship over all the commitment you are having now, I should have see this coming long ago. I guess the relationship is already not working out ever since the wee incident few months ago, we have never ever managed to build back the strong foundation that we once had after that incident. The trust issue has been affecting us for quite some time already, especially when I know about what happened between mike and felicia, I should have expect it to happen on us also.

Maybe life for u still carry on as per normal because you will never be short of activities to do and there are always people to keep you occupied, I do not know how am I going to get through this period.

Life can't get any worse then this when my mom told me this afternoon that wendy might be put to sleep this friday/saturday. She has been a strong girl but her illness is getting from bad to worse, getting weaker and weaker to the extent that her bone can be seen from the wound. She have been with the family for close to 12 years, this is really a news that will affect the mood of my family. Bad things just keep happening to me non-stop. FML

Back for the worse or for the good?

I am back! maybe for just a few post, suddenly have the urge for blogging, maybe due to many things happenened recently i guess? hmm..

Managing a relationship is never a easy task I must say, especially when the relationship started off from a unusual way. I believe that I am a person that handle relationship slightly different from other people. Normally when couples get together, the first few month is usually honeymoon period whereby both guy and girl will be very sweet to each other and then the "fire" will slowly start to die down depending on the efforts both party put in. But for me, it work different in the way whereby normally all my relationship, I will start to love the girl more in the later part of the relationship and very often it will be totally opposite for the girl, they will start to love me lesser and maybe I should say less committed to the relationship? I wonder where does the problem lies... hmmm...

*Honestly speaking, up till now I still really regret letting you to go work at your current workplace, I am angry with myself for introducing you the job and end up cause so much trouble to the relationship. Insecurities is what I feel nowadays, the trust process needs both parties to build up and put in lots of effort together. I don't like when guys calling or messaging u in the middle of night so often and sometimes even asking you out. It hurts me even more when I know the way you call them is the exact same way you calling me, am I really the same as them? Sometime you might think that I m being paranoid, but I am a guy and I can totally understand what other guys is thinking about you. The moment you call them sweet names or being sweet to them, you are indirectly leading them to other things already. Is there really a need for this to happen? haiz..

Anyway recently I receive a surprised sms from someone special to me jioing me for mahjong, upon receive the sms I was shock yet happy. haha.. Its been one year plus since I last saw the person and I can't deny she will always be someone special because of the memories that I had with her. Upon seeing her, I realized she has really grown up already compared to 3years ago, from the way she dress and the way she talk. She brought me back to the memories that I once had with her, be it good or bad, it just keep me thinking. The last time when I saw her, she was still attached to someone that I know, a guy that leave a sour memories to me in terms of friendship. But now the girl has already got out of relationship and got attached with another guy, this is sort of a happy and sad news to me, I know this sound ironic but ya.. Hopefully will get to see her for mahjong soon again..

Tonight is a good night?

Another day has come to an end, less then 2 days I will finish my 2nd period of my medicine study.. This mean that another 9days is going to pass soon and I wonder for the past 8days that I stay here, did I spent it fruitfully? Food for thoughts..

My mood been going up and down today, somehow I am still recovering from the "shock" that I received yesterday, it did required me to take some time to totally recovered from it. Of all the girlfriends that I had before, I must say seriously only a few leave deep impact in my heart. No doubt each girlfriends did leave some memories in me, but some seriously have craved a deep impact in me that everytime as and when I will start to think about it. I already got eunice and yuanshan leave a very deep impression in me, now I got one more to the list, chenyin.

I believe in every past relationships make me a stronger person in the next relationship and able to handle it better, apparently I still got a long long way to go.. I suppose I am more of a lover material then a boyfriend material, coz I never fail to upset all the girlfriend that I had before. Just like when chenyin say that I am worse than her ex boyfriend, Max. Even though she only mention it once in the sms during our quarrel, but that indeed hurt me alot during that time and untill now it still hurt me alittle. I always thought that I treat my girlfriend quite well, untill chenyin say I am worse than Max, it seriously make me reflect alot at that time. Knowing how her ex boyfriend used to treat or sometime even abuse her, I can't believe she actually think that I m worse than him, I guess this really show how bad of a boyfriend I am.

I often make alot of promises to my girlfriend, some I achieved it and some end up as empty promises.. Everytime when I think back I seriously think what chenyin said is probably correct, I always disappoint her and giving her empty promises etc, she came into my life at the lowest point, pull me up and provide me all the support that she could, yet I didnt fulfilled alot of my promises and give her so much unhappiness in the relationship. Everytime when I think back, it just make me feel so much guilty and feel like a total jerk.

Its too late to say anything now, I am still trying to get over you, really.. I don't know how and when will I start to get a good night sleep without regrets and disappointments.. haiz..

It still hurts afterall..

I thought today was a good day coz I win some money here in mahjong, but never did I expect my mood can change from sky high to rock bottom when I go back my room. I went back my room and log into facebook, when I see that you are attached, my heart just sank to the bottom. I had never expect you to get attached so soon, its like less then 2 months you already got a new bf le...

Even thou for the past one month plus I didnt ask you for patch up or what, but I just feel like slapping myself when I know that you are attached now. I guess the feeling of seeing a ex gf getting attached really suck big time, especially when it is like just happen so recent only. Everyday I log onto facebook, i never fail to check ur page to check that you are doing ok etc, and the last thing I hope to see is that you got a new bf.. Can say I am selfish/evil/mean or what, but I just praying that at least you won't get a new bf so soon, I don't know how to accept the news, really...

The feeling is really different now, my whole body is like feeling numb and I just feel like hiding in one corner calm myself down... I can't believe myself untill now, I still save your number in my hp as dear, it sound silly but ya... I guess people really move on as time passes by, too bad I am really a sucker that always get emotional over relationship that has already ended.

memories..

laptop back alive and kicking!

I finally get my laptop back in working condition again after being down for one month plus I think?

Currently now at Raffles hospital now doing my second medicine study, today is only the first day of a 9 days stay-in, this process is going to repeat for 3 more times and this will stretch all the way till end of November. Luckily the money is awesomely good, which make it worthwhile to stay in, I don't think I am able to find any other jobs that pay as well as this, like seriously.

For the month of Oct and Nov, I am going to be a super workaholics, my working days is already very packed, Oct only left like 1 or 2 days free and I still trying to squeeze more work days into November. Hopefully by December I am able to clear away some debts that I seriously owed for damn long.

hmm..recently I keep going NUS for work, not any other places but specifically NUS business school that side, spending like more then 5hrs everytime I am there. Seriously I dont know is because I am not wearing my lens or what, every girl that I saw wearing the NUS business school t-shirt look like you, it is really everywhere and anywhere within that business school area. Even thou we broke up like nearly a month ago, many places I go I will still think of you and even hoping that I might get to see you there. I don't ask for much, even see you for a short while talk a little bit, I think it will make my heart feel better also. Now every night when I am at home, I am seriously hugging lam nua to sleep every night, I think that is one of the best gift I ever received, it seriously brighten up my mood everytime I see it. Sometime even thou this sound retarded, I will still talk to lam nua just like how we used to play with it. I think one of these days, I am considering to even bring lam nua to do campsite with me and hug it to sleep at night, haha...

Oh well..like what people always say, all good things must come to an end, I don't know how is life for you after we broke up, from your facebook I only can tell that you are still very busy with your school work, hopefully in time to come you are able to manage it better and have more free time for urself. Don't every weekend only use it to do your tutorial and nothing else, like that is not leading a balance life already. Once again, I am sorry for all the unhappiness that I brought to you for the past one year plus, maybe you are right, the way I treat you is even worse then how max treat you in the past, at least he didnt hurt you as often as I do.. Sorry, I am just not good enough for you.

This post is specially for you..

Hi all, i think my blog is super rusty already, its been ages since I last update my blog, I wanted to blog this post last weekend but has been procrastinating for very long.

*this post is not suit for people that do not like to read wordy stuff*

It has been one week ever since you broke up with me, I wonder how have you been for the past one week. I know you had already deleted your blog and I been trying to find if you have any new blog, till now got not much discovery. I have a kind of deja vu feeling like you and max that time, you also change your blog add after you broke up with him.

Anyway, after yuan shan i thought that i will never cried for another girl again, but apparently I was wrong totally. I went clubbing with potato they all and halfway through clubbing when I check my fb status you already delete off the relationship, somehow my heart just sank totally and cried. No doubt throughout the week I been thinking of you, be it doing camps and or anywhere that I go, it has memories of you and me, afterall we have been together for like 1 year 5month? Though I am able to carry on with my job and hanging around with my friends/instructor etc, but somehow I will think of you at certain period of time. Its like I am too used to have you eating our favourite food together, "sambal lala, hokkien mee, tom yung soup etc.." Maybe I have been over-rely on you too much, its like everytime when something happen to me or i needed help, you are always around to help me and also assist me to get out of some difficult situation.

I am sorry to disappoint you so much girl, I know alot of promises i made to you just end become lots of empty promises. And this is why also i know that i don't have the right to ask you back cause i know i might even end up hurting you further. Sorry to break your heart over and over again, I really don't mean it and sometime I just give in to temptations easily and then after that realize my mistakes. Thou our family background and culture is so different, we did managed to last more then a year and shared many sad/happy memories.

Alot of people been asking me what happened to us and I also don't know how to answer them, I must admit you are really a nice girl, a girl that can make a good wife in future But right now, it appears that I am really not good enough for you cause I don't really have a proper job now and also I strongly believe uni got much more better guys then me out there. I am really sorry to break your heart and disappoint you so many time, i never meant to end our relationship that way, really.

Right now, i just hope you are able to cope well with your studies and hope you able to find a guy that treat you much better then i do, i guess that is not a difficult tasks as you always tell me your school got many choices of guys. Definitely in terms of future, i believe a guy with a degree from uni will be much better then me that only got a diploma from poly.

I really want to say thank you for all the memories and journey that we been through alot, definitely you make me a better person then before and I can't stop feeling super appreciated of all the troubles that you help me to solved. You step into my life at the lowest point of my life, thank you for picking me up and trust me, you will always be part of my journey in life.

Last but not least, be it as a friend or what, i hope to see you smile soon... Don't forget you still have a pair of lovely "killer dimples", its very hard to find another girl that has the dimple as you. And once again, sorry for breaking your heart, take care.

Brother's Wedding

Took a 2 days off this week for my brother wedding and also run some errands on the day before my brother's wedding. Its going to be a hectic week for me!!

Wake up damn early for my brother wedding, I slept around night 3+ and I think I work up around mrn 6+! Surprisingly I wasnt feeling that tired throughout the day I don't know why also. Anyway, my gf come over my house around 7am to help up with the usual traditional wedding tea ceremony. This wedding is slightly different from my previous two brother wedding, both my 1st and 2nd brother their wedding is tea ceremony in the morning and a wedding dinner at night, but my this 3rd brother wedding is a tea ceremony in the morning and wedding lunch buffet in the noon! So in terms of timing wise it is alittle rushing coz not much resting time for us in between the tea ceremony and the wedding lunch buffet.

Anyway after the tea ceremony ended around 9+, my gf and I rest for awhile and then proceed to the wedding function that is held at Rasa Shangri-La Sentosa Resort. As there are limited vacancies in my 1st brother and 2nd brother car, I and my gf no choice gotta take the public transport despite being so dressed up! (-_-) Upon reaching harbourfront, at first I went to the control station to ask for directions to take the shuttle bus to the resort, the instructions given was not clear and we just roughly make our way to the assumed bus stop and wait for the shuttle bus. But after reaching ar, the bus stop never indicate anything and as we running late already we decided to go vivo and take the sentosa train instead. When reach vivo, the sentosa staff say we still have to pay for the entrance fee even though we have the wedding invitations card!!! As I feel quite unfair to pay for such thing, I decided to ask the staff the correct locations to wait for the free shuttle bus to the resort instead. End up they give me a even more blur directions until I totally don't know which bus stop to go wait for the shuttle bus. After touring here and there, as the time was running we no choice end up took cab at vivo to proceed to the resort. *waste money*

After reaching the resort, we went to my brother room as the solemnisation haven start yet, this was the first time I step inside Rasa Shangri-La even though I am frequent visitor to Sentosa and also this is the first time I step into their resort room. The room at the resort somehow make me feel that the room look like those room on a star cruise. The balcony view from my brother room was very nice and it is very suitable for couple to stay for sure. After awhile everyone start to proceed to the first floor and get ready for the solemnisation by the beachside.

After solemnisation, we proceed to the ballroom for the lunch buffet and I manage to see some relatives over there, people that I don't even have any idea had I ever see them before at any other places. I think this happens to everyone I suppose? Like every wedding that anyone go to, they will like see some relative or what that they dont know at all yet the relative will claim he or she had seen you before. Anyway, I think its been sometime since I last attend a wedding buffet instead of the usual wedding dinner 9-course meal, I guess the buffet trend is slowly catching up as more and more young couples are opting for it nowadays.

After the yum-seng and every other thing, and ta daah...it was home-sweet-home for everyone. I think I drank at alot of different drinks in the wedding, got orange, coke, sprit, expresso, red wine and english breakfast tea. Luckily I didnt had a major stomach upset after that.

*My parents got 4 sons, 3 already married and I am the last one left! My mom already told me something at my 3rd brother wedding, she said that since I am the last one in the family to get married, she will want the wedding to be a big big one and end it on a very good note... So I guess 1 or 2 more years later, the pressure will slowly start to build on me.. oh well...ZzzZz

What do you want in a Bf/Gf?

I think today is relatively a reflection day and a bad day for me, was thinking how bad could it get? I vomitted after my lunch today, I sprain my ankle when I was on my way home from lunch and my eyes is having some infection or something.

Vomitted after eat bak chor mee for lunch today, the portion wasn't big at all but somehow I just feel like vomit everything out after the meal. Appetite affected? I do not know about it. Then while walking back home, I accidentally step into a drain and sprain my right ankle, yes thats right my already operated right ankle. Maybe because I was walking aimlessly that I do not realize the direction that I am heading towards. Eye infection needless to say, its because of the unhygiene practise I had, eye infection is already nothing new to me.

I spent the whole afternoon tidy up my room today since I do not know who to meet and where to go. Totally got no plans and no idea what I want for today. I guess my room now is pretty much ready for my brother's wedding next wednesday even though I simply just sweep up my room, keep plenty of things and throw away loads of trash only. I guess my room got alot of things until in the beginning I do not know where should I start with. Done alot of reflections today while tidying my room, still do not know why must we end up where we are now.

My family still doesnt know anything about us and my mum keep asking about you today, "like what time you coming for my brother's wedding", "never head out and meet your gf ar?" when I accompany her to eat dinner, she still ask me am I meeting you later. I don't know what to tell her other then saying you are busy today and I not sure what time you are coming for my brother wedding when I do not even know will I be seeing you at my brother's wedding.

Anyway done alot of reflections today and also receive different kind of response from different group of people which kee me thinking about it. What do people really want in a Bf/GF? Is it possible to make a relationship everlasting just by truly loving each other? How about other factors like personalities? interest? environment? peer influence? other commitment? It just keep me thinking...

*Receive your message when I was watching the 9pm channel 8 show, even though its one and only short message of the day, its enough to make me tears when I read the message. You make me reflect even more, the time when I went to your house and take care of you because you are sick, it is the one and only time I manage to step inside your house because no one is around. It is definitely a short but very memorable memories.

Sleepless night...Is there really a bastard in me?

This post is going to be rather dragging and non-related to people who are not close to me, skip it if you dont feel like reading it.

I just had a very big quarrel with my gf and the topic of the quarrel has carried on ever since last month, then yesterday again the issue was raised and once again we quarrel until quite badly, now I n her is already sorta "break up". Haiz.. Is this ending that I bring myself into? I really do not know.

Perhaps it is just me and my character, the way I was brought up and the journey that I walk through make me who I are today, which I do not know whether it has benefit me or done more harm to me. People who know me well enough will know that actually I am a very outgoing and open minded person, be it the way I do things or the way I treat people. Even though I am attached, I always tell people that the last thing I want a friend to do is to distance himself or herself away from me just because I am attached. So everytime even though I am attached I still appear as though I am single and be close to many people, and sometime this actually backfire badly. I will slowly fall into a trap when the person actually show more affection to me then my gf. But most of the time, I will wake up eventually before anything really happen and someone get super hurt. Ever since my secondary school life, I will always have people that label me as being a flirt, a fishermen or a player. All those names has followed me ever since I was sec 4, is it because I am really such a person? Or is just because other people is unable to accept the thinking that I had and do not understand me well enough.

To me, a gf will definitely be much more important then a friend because a gf is someone that is very important to me in my life. even though friends is also important to me but somehow it is just at a different level between gf and friends. Its okie if my friend do not understand me, but I feel hurt when my own gf do not understand me well enough and I think I always high expectation from my gf in terms of understanding me, thats why I seldom have a gf that really last for very long. However, be it the friend is close to me or not close to me at all, I do not like it when my gf scold and insult my friend infront of me, same thing like I do not like my friend insult or scold my gf infront of me. It is just my way of showing mutual respect for both parties, I believe many of you can understand how does it feel when you are stucked in between friends and bf/gf. It is a damn sucky feeling when you just want to be a peacemaker between the two parties. It happen before in many of my relationships that I can easily name a few, Eunice and Chu ling, Yuanshan and Cherrie, Chenyin and Ngo Laam. No matter how NEUTRAL I am, one of the party will always say that I am siding the other side and the other side will also say the same thing to me. So I end up sandwiched between two parties and seriously is it too much or too unreasonable of me when I ask one party to stop scolding another party infront of me? I don't care whether you going to scold another person or what, what I ask for is just please don't do it infront of me cause I really do not know how to react to it.

I always act as a counsellor to many of my friends or campers that have relationship problems, being a big brother/sister/daddy/mummy to many of them by offering advice, a shoulder for them to lean on and a listening ears for their problems. But when it come to myself, I always find myself facing alot of problems in my own relationship, unable to manage it well for a long period of time. Sometime I also do not know what I really look for in a relationship, is it because I just cant settle down? I think that I am not good enough for my gf? Or I haven't found a correct person that can convinced me that its really the time for me settle down now. There can be hundred and one reasons around, but I really do not know which is the best reason that best describe me.

Last year, I found a girl that I really wanted to settle down with, someone that I can building a future together with. But end up what I get is being hurt badly and pick up far too many learning points from that relationship. I had never ever gone so crazy for a relationship before in my life, and the first time I put in so much effort into a relationship is the one that hurt me the most. Its not easy to pick myself up from that failed relationship, I been through loads of shit to get over it, really. After that failed relationship, I become a reserved person and proceed to all the new relationships with caution, preparing myself for the worst that could happen. This might seem unfair to my gf, but I really got no choice but proceed with caution after being hurt so badly before.

As for my "current gf", I and her also been through quite alot of difficulties then got together. Alot of people think that I and her wont last long because our thinking is very different, way much different from one another. She was still attached when I know her at the beginning of the year and I was sorta "attached" too. Thinking back, I could really never thank her enough for walking through the tough journey with me when I was facing the biggest shit of my life in the beginning of the year. She trusted me again and again, willing to solve my problems with me and help me with alot of dificulties. Even though our character is very much different from one another, we still tried building on a relationship together. It is really not easy with the kind of friends we each have and the different environment that we grow up from. Initially everything was fine, sometime we will have little argument here and there but it was never too serious, until last month when everything go haywire. I do not know where is the relationship is heading to and right now alot of things is running through my mind, I guess I really need time to sort it out.

*CY: I just open and watch the video that I made for you for your 21st birthday, thinking back few months ago and looking at where we at now, its way too much difference isnt it? When is the last time we really share the joy we had like before, the smile that we used to see on each other face? The patience, tolerance and able to compromise for one another? It just feel so different now, really...

My style, my way!

Ring ring, ring ring!

K: Hello!! good morning, are you doing your report?
CY: hmm...erm...i fall back to sleep.. hehe

K: ermz... -_-" I stil thought you so good able to wake up ar
CY: I fall back to sleep after msging you just now.

K: okok, time to wake up!!! don't sleep anymore already.
CY: okok, I will wake up now...

K: hmm..hey dear, you know something?? Your house recently hired a delivery men! And the delivery men actually is waiting for you to collect breakfast at life area here.
CY: *stone for period* HUH! oh...you are at the lift?! I am still lying on my bed lol..

K: The delivery is here to deliver ai xin breakfast, specially delivered and waiting for you.
CY: okok, but erm...can i go brush teeth first? haha...

*thats the end of the short story, abit bo liao to others but well..as long as the person like can already, haha..


Last time in the past I always got friend talking about "never treat your boyfriend or girlfriend too good at the beginning of the relationship, this is to prevent your boyfriend or girlfriend taking you for granted in the long run during the relationship. Must learn to know when to give and when to take" But well...although sometime I do agree on that point alittle but somehow or rather I always didnt follow that theory among all my relationship in the past and present. When I am attached to someone I love, I think that it is right for me to treat that person as good as I can and treating her very well. What for having a girlfriend but need to hold back alittle in the way of treating her, thats is so not me. I believe in giving the best that I could to my girlfriend, always shower her with love and concern. Even though my temper might be bad at times, but I am a person that really can get over it easily especially when having quarrel with my girlfriend.

I guess I am finally going back to camp in less then a week time as I don't think my MC could be extend any further when I go back for my medical appt this Friday. Which mean that this is the final week that I could spent more time with my girlfriend and friends, doing whatever things that I always wanted to do. Its kinda sad because my girlfriend itself is very busy with her school stuff especially this week, my buddy is at work almost everyday due to stupid H1N1 virus, then the instructors side also never call me for outing anymore, everyone just simply got their own stuff to busy with and I am so bored with nothing to do at all. Since this is the final week that I can spent more time with my girl, I will definitely aim to try spending more time with her and make full use of all the remaining time I have.. :)

Busy Weekend

This past one week is a very very tiring week for me. Got outfield on Monday, SOC test and Guard duty on Wed, then outfield again on thurs Fri morning got morning PT. Sat whole day doing camp HA event, end up now totally shag out!

Yesterday event wa quite a very big scale event, I think got about 40 over instructors being involved in it. Alot of mis-planning and miscommunications, then end up instructors and chief they all having internal conflicts within themselve. Haiz, I was actually quite looking forward that you got do yesterday event, because two or three weeks never see you already, so thinking that you might do this event and hope I got a chance to see you. But well..once again, yu wasn't there. I guess every week I am just hoping for blank wishes.

Christmas is getting nearer and I am stuck at where I was two months back. Listening to the song "that thing you do", I realize the lyrics very match how I really feel now. "I tried and tried to let you go, but it just so hard to do". Hopefully there will be a chance of seeing you at next instructors gathering bah.

Cold Chilling Sunday

Weather has been really bad recently.. Rain, sunny, rain, sunny.. Guess my mood every weekend is just like the weather too ---> up, down, up, down.. My "project has been working on it ever since late September, till now so much still remain incomplete. The motivation for the project just come and go, somehow weird feeling but ya, hopefully it can be done before Christmas.

Many times when we contact friend that hasnt seen each other for long, we will always say something like catch up soon, maybe for a movie or for meal.. But when come to every weekend, the end results is always very big difference, I really wonder why...

This coming few weeks, weekend should be having the same kind of mentality I guess? Phy is having her, instructors are mostly busy with their respective stuff, mahjong also like not that interesting anymore. Am I able to take this for long?

Its been sometime since I last blog, wanted to post a new blog post before my operation but once again my laptop died on me, thus nowusing my brother's laptop to update my blog.

Just came back from my operation at NUH yesterday and yes! I am officially handicapped now.. Ah lam or ah huat can not longer run or walk normally for the next two to six month, haiz.. Till now I still do not know whether I make the correct decision of going for my operation at this period of time, being a burden to everyone around me, my friend, my family and my loved one.

When I was in hospital, I think about alot of things, people that really care for me and people that don't really give a shit about me. Alot of my friends will still at least sms, sent wishes all these before and after my operation, checking on how am I etc.. How bout you? I had stop msging you for one or so until last sunday I message you for inform you the dinner that I organized before my operation. Perhaps you are too attached to him that whatever things that happen to me now doesnt concern you at all. Is that what you mean by still able to remain as friend even after beak up? I believe if it was a outside friend of yours that is going for operation soon, you will at least sent some wishes to him or her for the operation.

Today Minsi come acc for the whole day, then Ren Xiaowei and Jer visited me today too. All of them bought me food and snacks, I feel so touched and really appreciate it. Perhaps like what everyone say, this is just a small operation for me as I am still alive and kicking, but simple operation like this can really make me feel who are the true friends, loved ones and people who really care about me. Thank you people. I will try my best to lead a new life, really trying.