drifting away?

Today was my off day and I somehow just waste it away I suppose? Woke up and went out to eat alone then went down to my store to settle some admin stuff. Ya, I went down to my workplace even on my off day, I seriously think I am committing more and more time to my store already and this is really a bad sign, but then again...if I didnt go down to my store today, I really don't know whats my plan for today. Actually suppose to have a few plans for today, supposed to go food fair with one of my friend but I end up decided not to go with her, I also not sure why also.. Just suddenly don't feel like going and also I feel like seeing siew.. Therefore I decided to go down raffles find siew, I know she got no time to eat dinner together so I just hoping I can go down to accompany her taking transport back to NTU.

She used to tell me that she loved the times that we spent sitting trains and buses together traveling around, this allow us to communicate more then traveling by bike. Well...Of course things doesnt go accordingly as planned, I didn't expect she has already planned to go back NTU with her friend after her work and somemore I didn't inform her beforehand that I am going down to accompany, thus I don't have the rights to accompany her back to NTU. Oh well..actually I think about informing you beforehand girl, but I know that if I was to tell you beforehand, you sure ask me don't waste my time to come down and accompany you back. So with that kind of answer in mind, how can I bring myself to inform you beforehand? I just didn't expect you have already plans to go back NTU with your friend and I suppose that is already a weekly kind of thing.

Therefore I got no choice but to make my way back home alone and spent most of my night watching tv at home alone. I didn't bother to ask people play mahjong because I already promise siew that I will try to minimize on gambling, thus I am trying to cut down on mahjong also. Watching tv at home make me realize there are so many movies that I feel like watching, but then again...who can I ask to watch movies with me? For the past two year, I already so used to watching movies together with gf, even thou there are occasion that I still watch with friend, but watching movie with gf and watching it with friends is totally different kind of feeling. I think I will be really nuts if I end up really go watch movie alone... zzZZzz

Tomorrow is mooncake festival, comparing one year ago and now really many things has changed... One year ago our relationship was still so sweet, I still can remember us playing candles at a place near my hse, I think that time we still got play firecracker somemore and make the whole place damn smoky.. haha.. That was the very first time that I play candles with my loved one, I don't think I ever did it with any other girlfriend before. Once again, we gave our "first time" to one another! One year ago, maybe to others we are quite childish, but now when I think back it is totally sweet memories.. If I have the chance, I don't mind do it all over again with you not for 1 time or 2 time, but for many many years to come.

For the past few years, I realize September has always been a shit month for me, it always have to happen in the September. Maybe I should consider just sleep through the month of september and hope october will be a better month to come.. haiz..

I really don't want to lose u away...

Back from genting after a 3d2n trip there with my mum. I should say this is quite a bad trip because lost alot of money plus my citibank card is being retained by the stupid atm due to wrong pin keyed. Totally FML!!

When I was walking around in genting, everywhere I go make me think of you. Really thinking of you, even thou when we are in genting we spent lots of time in the casino, but I really miss the holiday trip we had at the beginning of the year. This time round when I went with my mum, trust me I seriously don't want to bet much. I remember you asking me not to bet too much and I remember it clearly. When I lost the initial amount of money that I brought there, I already plan not to change the money and bet somemore already. I try go walk around the shopping areas alone while my mum is inside the casino gambling, everywhere I go I see couples if not will be people in big group. I rarely see any person travelling individually or shopping alone. Looking at couples and groups of people make me keep thinking of you again, I miss the time we shop together be it KL or genting and every single things we do together. The more I walk around the more emo I get, end up I head back to casino and continue betting aimlessly. I know many people will say this is me finding excuses to go gambling but dear, my this trip I am really going there with a heavy heart, my mind is constantly thinking of you. Everynight at genting, I only can look at your photos in my phone and cried myself to sleep.

You have played a too much important role in my life, something that I only really feel the pain when you are not by my side now. When I on my way back to singapore, I have already calculated my finance and I know it is completely screwed up with debts and debts and debts. I know no one like their bf/gf to be down with so much debts, I also don't wish to be stucked in this situation also. This genting trip and our relationship status now really give me a very big wake up call. I already planned up find a part time job to top my monthly income so that I can clear my debts faster. I also forcing myself to stop gambling on soccer or go casino anymore, at least not in the near future. This may sound lies but I guess only time will tell.. haiz...

Back again!

hey! I m back at the hospital for another 9 days for the second period of my medicine study! The 5 days that I get to spent outside passed so fast and a blink of an eye I m back here at the same place to stuck for another 9 days, hopefully this 9 days can pass as fast as the previous period stay in.

Today wake up quite early in the morning went for breakfast then head to ECP to "help-out" in alex day event. Not a must to go down but I still decided to go down because next week I m the in-charge for one of the days, so need to roughly know how is the whole thing being run etc.. But well..I went down a alittle too late, even thou I still managed to spent about 2hrs at east coast, but I missed out the most important part which is briefing the participants etc.. Hope I don't screw up on the day that I work..!

Alot of plans is going through my mind everyday and mainly is in terms of working, managing my finance etc.. I had already cut down on my gambling already, I mean seriously cut down alot.. I am slowly learning to refrain myself from gambling and even if I really gamble, I limit myself to a certain and stick with it... I just wish that when december come, my finance will be so much better then now..

Last night!

Today is finally the last night of the 9days stay-in for period 1!! The past one week plus has been staying at the hospital doing nothing much, everyday can only crave to go out and enjoy when the 9days stay-in ended.. I seriously need sun to make me feel healthier and less sinful, and another important is that I miss my son Lam nua! haha.. Still considering whether to bring my son for the next 3 period stay-in anot..

Hmm..everyday I see you online, it makes me feel like talking to you yet I do not know how should I bring myself to talk to you. Like a usual bad habbit of me, alot of times I regretted not cherishing something when it is no longer in my possession anymore, it has been a bad habbit since two years ago and untill now I still facing the same problem. Many times we always wish that we could rewind the time back, thinking how can we improve the situation back then, not making silly mistakes and stuff... but haiz...its easy to say but it is always too late to regret it..

When you first entered NUS that time, many of my friend asked me, "hey your gf now in NUS, are you scared of her running away with another guy?", at that time I will always jokingly say that its not impossible coz I know how much you love me even thou I have difficulty gaining your trust back again, but never did I expected 2months after you start school, we have already broke off, thou I know its all mainly my fault and you have never done anything wrong to me. I guess many things really can happened in a few months time, be it good or bad...

It's my loss not to have you as my gf anymore and I can't stop feeling guilty/sinful on and off when I am alone, thinking how I disappoint you time and time again... One year 5months definitely mean something to me, even thou I didnt cherish it as much as you do, but defintiely it leave a deep impact in me also.. Until now, I still misses u at times, really.. Whenever I miss you, I can only look at my son and smile silly to it.. It sound stupid but ya, it will just make me feel better when I hug lam nua.. I don't know how are you coping with the break up till now, hopefully I am able to get over it soon bah..

With a loss comes a gain also, at least now I can really work all the way I want without worrying much since alot of my friends has already left me, I got so much time now for me to work and reach my target of clearing all my debts away.. At the same time I m also trying to quit gambling in soccer untill I m in a better financial state.. So please pray that I am able carry on stop gambling!

Quit for good?

Today was pretty much a slacking day for me, when I wake up its like already 6pm?! I do wake up between interval during the daytime but by 6pm, I am finally awake and doing my stuff. My body biological clock is totally screw up and I think I only can blame myself for it I guess. Nothing much happen today, bought dinner for my parents and went for night run at 2-3am as usual.

Didnt get to meet up with my girl today as her lesson ended very late on every monday. The following weeks I guess we going to meet even lesser due to some reason, still trying to adapt to it thou. Clear abit of my debt today and yes I am now officially broke again, even thou I just took my pay like few days back, after clearing all my debts I am down to penniless again... -_-
Currently my life, other then spending time with my gf, I really don't have anything else to do anymore. With no money, there's nothing much I can do at the moment plus I can't find a proper temp job now, so if my gf never meet me I am just nua-ing everyday. I seriously miss doing camps, last year during this period I was happily doing camp week in week out, but now? haiz.. face with loads of debts everyday and being so stressout every single night. This is really heading nowhere and I don't know how long I can last taking all these stress.

I going to quit soccer gambling for good if everything able to settle nicely and swee swee. It has bring me enough trouble and really loads of trouble I must admit. Like what I told my gf, I am really going to quit gambling for good if I can really solve my current problem. I have let her down too many times and even I is feeling guilty now. Sorry dear.

A camp that I first cried for one of the activity

The first girl school camp that I did!

Terrible kids but wonderful accomodation.. :)

A camp with 500 kuku... -_-"