Holiday with a heavy heart?

This blog post is my last post before I go for genting holiday trip with my mum and most likely this trip is going there with a heavy heart. I think the situations just got worse as days passes by and somehow I am shocked with the message that I received today.

The things that I type over here is not really a show of anger or frustations, to be honest it is more of like regrets that I am having now that led to our current situations, I regret for not treating you well enough in the past and build up a very strong foundation for our relationship before you entered uni. Every words that I type here hurts me more then hurting anyone, I am literally slapping or even stabbing myself with words when I type anything here. Yes I admit I am the person that have the thoughts of breaking up, but it is never easy for me to give up on this relationship because I seriously don't want this to happen. We all know where the problem in the relationship is, its just that you don't wish to admit to it and I don't like it to always put on a false front infront of you thinking that you still love me as much as before.

I am seriously shocked when you say my way of thinking is scaring you, is it really a wrong thing for me to think how I think when there are evidence and facts to show that you really don't love me so much anymore whereby I am actually loving you more and more? I am doing my part as a boyfriend yet my own girlfriend is telling me that I am scaring her? You know that I don't like it when a person lie to me and even worse will be I discovered the lies myself, its like you know slapping myself right in the face yet I can't do anything. But anyway its alright, I guess everything is my fault, I am just being a unreasonable boyfriend and too kaypoh for always worry too much for you. Maybe I shouldnt have fallen so deep into this relationship and give in so much to it that everything I do seems to be taken for granted already. Maybe its a wrong thing for me to vent my frustrations on facebook because I do not have any friends to have a heart to heart talk with? Everything is just my fault, let's just put blame on me ya.

I admit life will never be the same anymore since few days ago, you and me is already leading a different life now. To be frank, its more like I need you in my life then you need me in your life. There are thousand and one friends that is always there to console you or guys giving you tender loving care to pick yourself up when you are down, but for me I can only keep everything to myself because I can't even share this kind of things with my colleagues or even my family. It hurts, really...

Anyway I have no idea how this genting trip will turn out to be like with so many things happening before this trip. Furthermore my mom just told me yesterday night she have a bad feeling about this genting trip will have some bad things happened, she asked me to be extra careful. How nice this could be eh? oh well.. even my own body condition is going against me, has been vomiting for few days straight already, I think there is something wrong with my stomach also.. but oh well..who cares...

If you are still reading my blog, then maybe the only good news I can shared with you is that I managed to wash clean the red jacket with some chemicals and washing powder already. So you no need to feel bad or have the thoughts of buying another jacket anymore, you can save the money for some other important use already. And also I think maybe you should consider stop reading my blog and it might help you to lead a happier life and easier for you to get over me. I think the only purpose I still log into this blog is that this is the only place that I can express everything out with words or sometime pictures. Each day pass by make me miss you even more and think more of the past memories that we once shared together, memories of hugging you to sleep is something that I can only dream of it now. Truth hurts and life sucks when there is no love. FML

*recovering process*

Back for the worse or for the good?

I am back! maybe for just a few post, suddenly have the urge for blogging, maybe due to many things happenened recently i guess? hmm..

Managing a relationship is never a easy task I must say, especially when the relationship started off from a unusual way. I believe that I am a person that handle relationship slightly different from other people. Normally when couples get together, the first few month is usually honeymoon period whereby both guy and girl will be very sweet to each other and then the "fire" will slowly start to die down depending on the efforts both party put in. But for me, it work different in the way whereby normally all my relationship, I will start to love the girl more in the later part of the relationship and very often it will be totally opposite for the girl, they will start to love me lesser and maybe I should say less committed to the relationship? I wonder where does the problem lies... hmmm...

*Honestly speaking, up till now I still really regret letting you to go work at your current workplace, I am angry with myself for introducing you the job and end up cause so much trouble to the relationship. Insecurities is what I feel nowadays, the trust process needs both parties to build up and put in lots of effort together. I don't like when guys calling or messaging u in the middle of night so often and sometimes even asking you out. It hurts me even more when I know the way you call them is the exact same way you calling me, am I really the same as them? Sometime you might think that I m being paranoid, but I am a guy and I can totally understand what other guys is thinking about you. The moment you call them sweet names or being sweet to them, you are indirectly leading them to other things already. Is there really a need for this to happen? haiz..

Anyway recently I receive a surprised sms from someone special to me jioing me for mahjong, upon receive the sms I was shock yet happy. haha.. Its been one year plus since I last saw the person and I can't deny she will always be someone special because of the memories that I had with her. Upon seeing her, I realized she has really grown up already compared to 3years ago, from the way she dress and the way she talk. She brought me back to the memories that I once had with her, be it good or bad, it just keep me thinking. The last time when I saw her, she was still attached to someone that I know, a guy that leave a sour memories to me in terms of friendship. But now the girl has already got out of relationship and got attached with another guy, this is sort of a happy and sad news to me, I know this sound ironic but ya.. Hopefully will get to see her for mahjong soon again..

Tonight is a good night?

Another day has come to an end, less then 2 days I will finish my 2nd period of my medicine study.. This mean that another 9days is going to pass soon and I wonder for the past 8days that I stay here, did I spent it fruitfully? Food for thoughts..

My mood been going up and down today, somehow I am still recovering from the "shock" that I received yesterday, it did required me to take some time to totally recovered from it. Of all the girlfriends that I had before, I must say seriously only a few leave deep impact in my heart. No doubt each girlfriends did leave some memories in me, but some seriously have craved a deep impact in me that everytime as and when I will start to think about it. I already got eunice and yuanshan leave a very deep impression in me, now I got one more to the list, chenyin.

I believe in every past relationships make me a stronger person in the next relationship and able to handle it better, apparently I still got a long long way to go.. I suppose I am more of a lover material then a boyfriend material, coz I never fail to upset all the girlfriend that I had before. Just like when chenyin say that I am worse than her ex boyfriend, Max. Even though she only mention it once in the sms during our quarrel, but that indeed hurt me alot during that time and untill now it still hurt me alittle. I always thought that I treat my girlfriend quite well, untill chenyin say I am worse than Max, it seriously make me reflect alot at that time. Knowing how her ex boyfriend used to treat or sometime even abuse her, I can't believe she actually think that I m worse than him, I guess this really show how bad of a boyfriend I am.

I often make alot of promises to my girlfriend, some I achieved it and some end up as empty promises.. Everytime when I think back I seriously think what chenyin said is probably correct, I always disappoint her and giving her empty promises etc, she came into my life at the lowest point, pull me up and provide me all the support that she could, yet I didnt fulfilled alot of my promises and give her so much unhappiness in the relationship. Everytime when I think back, it just make me feel so much guilty and feel like a total jerk.

Its too late to say anything now, I am still trying to get over you, really.. I don't know how and when will I start to get a good night sleep without regrets and disappointments.. haiz..