Saturday, September 3, 2011
Holiday with a heavy heart?
This blog post is my last post before I go for genting holiday trip with my mum and most likely this trip is going there with a heavy heart. I think the situations just got worse as days passes by and somehow I am shocked with the message that I received today.
The things that I type over here is not really a show of anger or frustations, to be honest it is more of like regrets that I am having now that led to our current situations, I regret for not treating you well enough in the past and build up a very strong foundation for our relationship before you entered uni. Every words that I type here hurts me more then hurting anyone, I am literally slapping or even stabbing myself with words when I type anything here. Yes I admit I am the person that have the thoughts of breaking up, but it is never easy for me to give up on this relationship because I seriously don't want this to happen. We all know where the problem in the relationship is, its just that you don't wish to admit to it and I don't like it to always put on a false front infront of you thinking that you still love me as much as before.
I am seriously shocked when you say my way of thinking is scaring you, is it really a wrong thing for me to think how I think when there are evidence and facts to show that you really don't love me so much anymore whereby I am actually loving you more and more? I am doing my part as a boyfriend yet my own girlfriend is telling me that I am scaring her? You know that I don't like it when a person lie to me and even worse will be I discovered the lies myself, its like you know slapping myself right in the face yet I can't do anything. But anyway its alright, I guess everything is my fault, I am just being a unreasonable boyfriend and too kaypoh for always worry too much for you. Maybe I shouldnt have fallen so deep into this relationship and give in so much to it that everything I do seems to be taken for granted already. Maybe its a wrong thing for me to vent my frustrations on facebook because I do not have any friends to have a heart to heart talk with? Everything is just my fault, let's just put blame on me ya.
I admit life will never be the same anymore since few days ago, you and me is already leading a different life now. To be frank, its more like I need you in my life then you need me in your life. There are thousand and one friends that is always there to console you or guys giving you tender loving care to pick yourself up when you are down, but for me I can only keep everything to myself because I can't even share this kind of things with my colleagues or even my family. It hurts, really...
Anyway I have no idea how this genting trip will turn out to be like with so many things happening before this trip. Furthermore my mom just told me yesterday night she have a bad feeling about this genting trip will have some bad things happened, she asked me to be extra careful. How nice this could be eh? oh well.. even my own body condition is going against me, has been vomiting for few days straight already, I think there is something wrong with my stomach also.. but oh well..who cares...
If you are still reading my blog, then maybe the only good news I can shared with you is that I managed to wash clean the red jacket with some chemicals and washing powder already. So you no need to feel bad or have the thoughts of buying another jacket anymore, you can save the money for some other important use already. And also I think maybe you should consider stop reading my blog and it might help you to lead a happier life and easier for you to get over me. I think the only purpose I still log into this blog is that this is the only place that I can express everything out with words or sometime pictures. Each day pass by make me miss you even more and think more of the past memories that we once shared together, memories of hugging you to sleep is something that I can only dream of it now. Truth hurts and life sucks when there is no love. FML
*recovering process*
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
I am missing you, do you miss me too?
Few days has passed since that day and I am still in my recovering process from all the things that has happened recently. Today is my another off day which off with no plans initially. After that terence msg me to jio me play mj, I was hesitating to play because I don't wish to waste two off day playing mj straight for two days but at the same time I afraid I got no program at all for the rest of the day. Then Amelia suddenly msg me ask why I so emo lately and want to join her with other few instructors go museum anot. Ya, jio a person like me go museum! Anyway, I think I m also crazy that I actually agree to visit museum with them instead of going to play my favourite hobby mj. I guess maybe I am still carry a hope that I could probably meet siew for a meal or something today, so if i was to go play mj I will be stucked there and unable to go meet siew.
Oh well...I left my hse in the late noon, drop by my workplace to collect schedule for september and head down to meet them. Went to a few museum with them and visited Istana for the first time in my life. Its freaking big with quite nice scenery, the only sad thing is I am not sharing the same scenery with someone I love. Haiz..
After Istana went for dinner together with them at PS, around 7+ all 3 of them have to go off for different reason. One need to go air port, one need to book in and another one is heading home, thus I am left with no program. As I do not want to go home so early, I ownself wander around from PS to 313 to Cine to Taka to lucky plaza to far east plaza and finally opposite far east plaza. I can't believe I actually so bored till this extent that I even have the thoughts of walking home from orchard! It sound like a crazy idea and ya, end up didnt do it. I took bus 167 from far east there and sit all the way back to sembawang.
Every I go brings back memories of us and this just keep me thinking. Seeing you happily chatting with your uni friends at facebook I don't know I should be happy anot, I can't stop thinking is that you really get over it so fast or you are just trying to put up a fake strong front? I really do not know and I am still coping with the days without you by my side.
sigh
Oh well...I left my hse in the late noon, drop by my workplace to collect schedule for september and head down to meet them. Went to a few museum with them and visited Istana for the first time in my life. Its freaking big with quite nice scenery, the only sad thing is I am not sharing the same scenery with someone I love. Haiz..
After Istana went for dinner together with them at PS, around 7+ all 3 of them have to go off for different reason. One need to go air port, one need to book in and another one is heading home, thus I am left with no program. As I do not want to go home so early, I ownself wander around from PS to 313 to Cine to Taka to lucky plaza to far east plaza and finally opposite far east plaza. I can't believe I actually so bored till this extent that I even have the thoughts of walking home from orchard! It sound like a crazy idea and ya, end up didnt do it. I took bus 167 from far east there and sit all the way back to sembawang.
Every I go brings back memories of us and this just keep me thinking. Seeing you happily chatting with your uni friends at facebook I don't know I should be happy anot, I can't stop thinking is that you really get over it so fast or you are just trying to put up a fake strong front? I really do not know and I am still coping with the days without you by my side.
sigh
Monday, August 29, 2011
Past and Present..
- I used to take you for granted
= I used to think that no other bf will treat u as nice as me
= I used to think that you are the most blur gf that I ever have
= I used to think that everything that you done for me is what I deserved to be treated as your bf
- I used to think that without you I probably still can carry on with my life as per normal like any other relationship I had before
But now..
- I hate myself for taking you for granted in the past
- I hate myself that I can't stop missing you everyday
- I hate myself for being so weak that I can sometime teared easily while thinking of you
- I hate myself for waking up in the middle of the night thinking of you and I got no one that I can shared with.
- I hate myself for being so lost without you in my life
This is really FML
= I used to think that no other bf will treat u as nice as me
= I used to think that you are the most blur gf that I ever have
= I used to think that everything that you done for me is what I deserved to be treated as your bf
- I used to think that without you I probably still can carry on with my life as per normal like any other relationship I had before
But now..
- I hate myself for taking you for granted in the past
- I hate myself that I can't stop missing you everyday
- I hate myself for being so weak that I can sometime teared easily while thinking of you
- I hate myself for waking up in the middle of the night thinking of you and I got no one that I can shared with.
- I hate myself for being so lost without you in my life
This is really FML
can life get any worse then this? FML
I am back for a random post again, many things happened in my life for the past few weeks and unfortunately mainly are unhappy stuff.
My relationship is going on a haywire down especially when you started your uni life. Even though before your school start we have already foresee this problem coming, I didnt expect it will turn out this bad as I am no longer your priorities anymore. You do not wish to sacrifice any of your current commitment and that probably tells me that I am the only thing you are willing to sacrifice. It hurts me alot when I know that I am already not that important to you anymore, sometime I find myself even less important to your uni friends. Is it because your love has already expired and your "fire" for the relationship has already died down? I really do not know, the more I think the more it hurts me badly.
For the past few days I did think alot about us, thinking of the memories we once shared together especially both our overseas trip in Genting/KL and Batam. We go through many things together, "your A level period" / "my army period" / "doing camps and events together", there are so many memories we shared together that I don't think I can ever list finish everything.
Its really sad that you are willing to give up our relationship over all the commitment you are having now, I should have see this coming long ago. I guess the relationship is already not working out ever since the wee incident few months ago, we have never ever managed to build back the strong foundation that we once had after that incident. The trust issue has been affecting us for quite some time already, especially when I know about what happened between mike and felicia, I should have expect it to happen on us also.
Maybe life for u still carry on as per normal because you will never be short of activities to do and there are always people to keep you occupied, I do not know how am I going to get through this period.
Life can't get any worse then this when my mom told me this afternoon that wendy might be put to sleep this friday/saturday. She has been a strong girl but her illness is getting from bad to worse, getting weaker and weaker to the extent that her bone can be seen from the wound. She have been with the family for close to 12 years, this is really a news that will affect the mood of my family. Bad things just keep happening to me non-stop. FML
My relationship is going on a haywire down especially when you started your uni life. Even though before your school start we have already foresee this problem coming, I didnt expect it will turn out this bad as I am no longer your priorities anymore. You do not wish to sacrifice any of your current commitment and that probably tells me that I am the only thing you are willing to sacrifice. It hurts me alot when I know that I am already not that important to you anymore, sometime I find myself even less important to your uni friends. Is it because your love has already expired and your "fire" for the relationship has already died down? I really do not know, the more I think the more it hurts me badly.
For the past few days I did think alot about us, thinking of the memories we once shared together especially both our overseas trip in Genting/KL and Batam. We go through many things together, "your A level period" / "my army period" / "doing camps and events together", there are so many memories we shared together that I don't think I can ever list finish everything.
Its really sad that you are willing to give up our relationship over all the commitment you are having now, I should have see this coming long ago. I guess the relationship is already not working out ever since the wee incident few months ago, we have never ever managed to build back the strong foundation that we once had after that incident. The trust issue has been affecting us for quite some time already, especially when I know about what happened between mike and felicia, I should have expect it to happen on us also.
Maybe life for u still carry on as per normal because you will never be short of activities to do and there are always people to keep you occupied, I do not know how am I going to get through this period.
Life can't get any worse then this when my mom told me this afternoon that wendy might be put to sleep this friday/saturday. She has been a strong girl but her illness is getting from bad to worse, getting weaker and weaker to the extent that her bone can be seen from the wound. She have been with the family for close to 12 years, this is really a news that will affect the mood of my family. Bad things just keep happening to me non-stop. FML
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Back for the worse or for the good?
I am back! maybe for just a few post, suddenly have the urge for blogging, maybe due to many things happenened recently i guess? hmm..
Managing a relationship is never a easy task I must say, especially when the relationship started off from a unusual way. I believe that I am a person that handle relationship slightly different from other people. Normally when couples get together, the first few month is usually honeymoon period whereby both guy and girl will be very sweet to each other and then the "fire" will slowly start to die down depending on the efforts both party put in. But for me, it work different in the way whereby normally all my relationship, I will start to love the girl more in the later part of the relationship and very often it will be totally opposite for the girl, they will start to love me lesser and maybe I should say less committed to the relationship? I wonder where does the problem lies... hmmm...
*Honestly speaking, up till now I still really regret letting you to go work at your current workplace, I am angry with myself for introducing you the job and end up cause so much trouble to the relationship. Insecurities is what I feel nowadays, the trust process needs both parties to build up and put in lots of effort together. I don't like when guys calling or messaging u in the middle of night so often and sometimes even asking you out. It hurts me even more when I know the way you call them is the exact same way you calling me, am I really the same as them? Sometime you might think that I m being paranoid, but I am a guy and I can totally understand what other guys is thinking about you. The moment you call them sweet names or being sweet to them, you are indirectly leading them to other things already. Is there really a need for this to happen? haiz..
Anyway recently I receive a surprised sms from someone special to me jioing me for mahjong, upon receive the sms I was shock yet happy. haha.. Its been one year plus since I last saw the person and I can't deny she will always be someone special because of the memories that I had with her. Upon seeing her, I realized she has really grown up already compared to 3years ago, from the way she dress and the way she talk. She brought me back to the memories that I once had with her, be it good or bad, it just keep me thinking. The last time when I saw her, she was still attached to someone that I know, a guy that leave a sour memories to me in terms of friendship. But now the girl has already got out of relationship and got attached with another guy, this is sort of a happy and sad news to me, I know this sound ironic but ya.. Hopefully will get to see her for mahjong soon again..
Managing a relationship is never a easy task I must say, especially when the relationship started off from a unusual way. I believe that I am a person that handle relationship slightly different from other people. Normally when couples get together, the first few month is usually honeymoon period whereby both guy and girl will be very sweet to each other and then the "fire" will slowly start to die down depending on the efforts both party put in. But for me, it work different in the way whereby normally all my relationship, I will start to love the girl more in the later part of the relationship and very often it will be totally opposite for the girl, they will start to love me lesser and maybe I should say less committed to the relationship? I wonder where does the problem lies... hmmm...
*Honestly speaking, up till now I still really regret letting you to go work at your current workplace, I am angry with myself for introducing you the job and end up cause so much trouble to the relationship. Insecurities is what I feel nowadays, the trust process needs both parties to build up and put in lots of effort together. I don't like when guys calling or messaging u in the middle of night so often and sometimes even asking you out. It hurts me even more when I know the way you call them is the exact same way you calling me, am I really the same as them? Sometime you might think that I m being paranoid, but I am a guy and I can totally understand what other guys is thinking about you. The moment you call them sweet names or being sweet to them, you are indirectly leading them to other things already. Is there really a need for this to happen? haiz..
Anyway recently I receive a surprised sms from someone special to me jioing me for mahjong, upon receive the sms I was shock yet happy. haha.. Its been one year plus since I last saw the person and I can't deny she will always be someone special because of the memories that I had with her. Upon seeing her, I realized she has really grown up already compared to 3years ago, from the way she dress and the way she talk. She brought me back to the memories that I once had with her, be it good or bad, it just keep me thinking. The last time when I saw her, she was still attached to someone that I know, a guy that leave a sour memories to me in terms of friendship. But now the girl has already got out of relationship and got attached with another guy, this is sort of a happy and sad news to me, I know this sound ironic but ya.. Hopefully will get to see her for mahjong soon again..
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Contradicting me
Tonight is the last night of this study stay-in, by right I should be very happy and looking forward to the arrival of tomorrow which is the last day of this whole medicine study. I do not know why but somehow I just have a feeling of being very lost now. After this medicine study, I don't know what is my plan for the next few month. Its like I have alot of plans for this December, yet I afraid that many things might not turn out the way I want it to be, especially my HK working trip.
Suppose to bring a group of students for oversea trip to HK on 13th to 16th December, till not I am still not sure am I being confirmed for that trip. Secondly is my own trip on 19th to 23rd December, I haven't decide which day should I go for thevtrip. Initially my plan was to go with a big group of instructors, go there have fun etc.. But now end up I think only me and my mum is going, I not sure whether I still want to carry on with the trip with my mum.
So for the period between 5th dec to 13th dec I am still very free, its like no job during that period and I seriously will find it very wasted if I unable to find any jobs that can fit into that period. I would rather be working my butt off to earn money then to stay home and rot or go out to waste money.
Then another thing is I not sure do I still want to carry on with my medicine study till March next year or should I treat this as my very last medicine study before I start a proper a full time job. If I carry on with the medicine study, I am still able to do camp in between the period when I am outside of the study in January, February and March. But then I afraid it is like alittle too late for me to start a full time job if I drag till March or April next year. I m must agree the money from the medicine study is very good, its like very hard to find other jobs that can pay me this well with my age and my qualifications
I am seriously at a lost now, can ANYONE HELP ME?!
Suppose to bring a group of students for oversea trip to HK on 13th to 16th December, till not I am still not sure am I being confirmed for that trip. Secondly is my own trip on 19th to 23rd December, I haven't decide which day should I go for thevtrip. Initially my plan was to go with a big group of instructors, go there have fun etc.. But now end up I think only me and my mum is going, I not sure whether I still want to carry on with the trip with my mum.
So for the period between 5th dec to 13th dec I am still very free, its like no job during that period and I seriously will find it very wasted if I unable to find any jobs that can fit into that period. I would rather be working my butt off to earn money then to stay home and rot or go out to waste money.
Then another thing is I not sure do I still want to carry on with my medicine study till March next year or should I treat this as my very last medicine study before I start a proper a full time job. If I carry on with the medicine study, I am still able to do camp in between the period when I am outside of the study in January, February and March. But then I afraid it is like alittle too late for me to start a full time job if I drag till March or April next year. I m must agree the money from the medicine study is very good, its like very hard to find other jobs that can pay me this well with my age and my qualifications
I am seriously at a lost now, can ANYONE HELP ME?!
Monday, November 29, 2010
Finally!
Been lazy to blog for the past one week plus and I guess this will be one of my final post here before I finally finish my medicine study! Today is the 2nd last night of this 4th period study, two more nights and I will be finally done with the medicine study and get ready to collect the money at the end of the month!
Come to think about it, when I was just about to start my first period of this study, I was still thinking how am I going to survive all the four study period, its like going to drag till near 2 month and it is freaking long! One blink and now I am in my 4th period and so going to finish it already, I seriously can't wait to get out of here to enjoy loads of good food outside.
The past 2 week hasn't been a very good week for me also, suppose to have my own food race event on 20th nov, but well...everything just didnt go according to plan. The plan eventually become a failure, a lot of teams can't make it and two team back out very last min when I already made the badges for the food race. Well..you know it, all the money I spent for the badges and the recce trip has gone down to drain.. haiz... I know its my fault to change the prizes at the very last minute, but I seriously trying to work within my budget also, I guess no one can truly understand how I feel. I was looking forward to the event and end up it become like throwing money down the drain...
I guess I not going to organize it again anytime soon, having a little trauma over it. Even though to be a business men, there bound to be failure and obstacles, perhaps I am still not ready for it at the moment I think.
Come to think about it, when I was just about to start my first period of this study, I was still thinking how am I going to survive all the four study period, its like going to drag till near 2 month and it is freaking long! One blink and now I am in my 4th period and so going to finish it already, I seriously can't wait to get out of here to enjoy loads of good food outside.
The past 2 week hasn't been a very good week for me also, suppose to have my own food race event on 20th nov, but well...everything just didnt go according to plan. The plan eventually become a failure, a lot of teams can't make it and two team back out very last min when I already made the badges for the food race. Well..you know it, all the money I spent for the badges and the recce trip has gone down to drain.. haiz... I know its my fault to change the prizes at the very last minute, but I seriously trying to work within my budget also, I guess no one can truly understand how I feel. I was looking forward to the event and end up it become like throwing money down the drain...
I guess I not going to organize it again anytime soon, having a little trauma over it. Even though to be a business men, there bound to be failure and obstacles, perhaps I am still not ready for it at the moment I think.
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