I had a BFF named FEVER!

 Big Big bed!

 Mini Garden??

Just got home from a overnight shift, feeling damn tired plus was drenched along the way home, ZzZZ… Supposed to come home changed and head to ITE simei to do a 2d1n camp. But my current condition is making me to drop the idea, my eye infection is like getting from bad to worse and I got a feeling my best friend fever is coming to find me soon again.




Talking about fever reminds me of the last time I had fever, I had a gf that came over my house to take good care of me and pampered me like a little child so that I can recover fast from the fever. I really miss that period, it make me feel very well loved by you dear. Anyway those were the days back then, I think now if I was to have fever no one will really bother much about me also except maybe for my colleagues because they need to cover my shift. Girlfriend that will take care of me when I fall sick has already disappear, I can only rely on me, myself and I. Right now as I m typing this blog, I can barely open my eyes because of the stupid infection and at the same time gotta worry is my fever going to come soon to haunt me. Getting fever now will be a bad timing because there won’t be anyone else around to take care of me like before.



This coming week I got so many off days until I don’t know how should I spent it fruitfully, original plan was to go for a short holiday trip with my gf for bonding session. But now…haiz.. all the efforts is just going down to the drain, it will never work according to plan anymore. At the moment I actually got a crazy idea of going on a bike road trip alone during my long off days, maybe I can try riding into Malaysia to further places like Malacca or even Kuala Lumpur. This will be very interesting and at the same time dangerous I know, because if I was to carry on with this plan its almost possible that I m doing it alone. So whatever things that happen to me in Malaysia no one will know also. Hmm…This is a interesting proposal I shall consider, there won’t be any daring soul that is interested enough to join me thou.

Be true to yourself

 Rainbow in relationship?

Another night of blogging on a HAPPY Saturday night! Work opening shift today, which means that I start work at 7am and by right should end work at 4pm or latest around 5pm? Actually today work is kinda stressful as today there is no additional managers, I ownself alone need to manage both shift and cash today from 7am to 4pm. This is totally a crazy idea because today is a Saturday and its only my 2nd weekend opening shift at this new store. Beside that, my boss and small boss will also be in store to verify my shift and use it to set a example be it good or bad for other managers to learn. Therefore, it is kinda pressurizing and end up I did not do very well for it. When my boss feedback to me after that, even thou it is positive feedback but I still feeling like shit because I think that there is some much better that I can achieve. And right now when I feel like shit, I got no one else that I can share with. No girlfriend and no friends, everything just feels so empty




Even though today is a Saturday, I did not have any program at all, surprisingly I did not even bother to go ask people out for mahjong. If I was to have programs and I am fast enough, I can actually leave my store at 5+pm, but end up I just took my own sweet time and finish my work around 8+. The thoughts of going home strike a fear in me, I am afraid of going home facing my four wall because I know I will start to think more and more which lead me to becoming emotional. Even after I end work, I don’t even know whether I want to go home or just wander around alone outside.



End up I decided to go home and spent my sat night alone, doing nothing but watching tv only. Am I leading a happy life now? Yes, I am so “Happy” now, so “Happy” that sat night I am at home watching tv alone. How fantastic is that?!?!



I remember you telling me that all your friends support the idea of you getting together with chia and totally encourage you to break up with me. I feel so disheartened upon hearing that, even thou I am in the wrong but did you ever tried to change your friend idea about me like telling them the nice things that I did for you etc? Maybe its really a unfair judgment because your friends do not really know much about me or maybe don’t even know much about our relationship. So allowing them to actually influence your thinking about me doesn’t seem to be fair to our relationship. You told me that we should be honest to ourselves and honest to people around us, I think maybe you should ask yourself also, are you really honest to me too? When you able to straight away start dating with chia right after you broke up with me, that really tells a lot of thing my dear girl. Its either all along you have a crush on chia and just waiting for something to happen between you two OR in the first place you actually don’t really love me at all. Your feelings changes too fast, really too fast until I am now thinking are you really serious about me when we are in the relationship or you are just waiting for a better candidate then me appear infront of you. As much as you may be disappointed about me and the relationship, if you was to love me a lot you wouldn’t start dating with another guy so soon, unless you are telling me that chia is a substitute only but I know definitely he is not.



So actually this relationship contain lots of obstacle, maybe its just that both of us put in full effort at different timing which led to the current situation. Or maybe it’s really just me; it’s always my fault for not being decisive to know what I want in a relationship. I want to dote on you, pampered you like my little princess, makings changes so that you will be more proud of me etc but well, I don’t even have the chance to do it anymore.



Hmm…at this current moment, I also don’t know what are my emotions supposed to be like. Probably happy? Yes! I am happy that I am spending my sat night alone, happy that when I am sad I got no one to share with other then myself. How great is that, I think I should just give myself a round of applause.

Smile? If only this will make you happy..

I m back to blogging again…hmmm… let’s see how many days will I be so “motivated” with blogging.




After what happen yesterday, with all the confessions and heart to heart talk, I find myself so faked at work today. In my workplace, everyone think that I am a very cheerful and friendly person whereby to them my life seems to be so nice and I am like a happy go lucky kind of person. Especially when my students or friends come find me at my workplace in the past, my crew is like thinking I actually got so many friends and I seem to be quite popular. But seriously I am not!! To be honest, I don’t even really have friends to hang out with other then my mahjong kakis that only see me when play mahjong. In fact I feel like total shit today at work to the extent that I really don’t feel like talking to anyone at all, but I can’t do that! I hate myself for having to put up a strong front at my workplace, not able to show my real emotions to them. I feel faked, so much about being true to myself huh? That is like me slapping my own face.



When you told me today that actually you don’t have hatred for me anymore because you choose to let go everything, that is like indirectly hinting you did hate me before and now you feel more at peace because you have already let go everything and we are still friends. This make me very confused, somehow or rather this is telling me that you did have hatred/anger/frustration throughout the relationship. A relationship involves the commitment and effort from both parties just like it takes two hands to clap. When one person effort or commitment start to outweight another person, that is where the relationship start to get imbalance and this destroy the relationship. Very often, when I start to put my full commitment into a relationship, it is usually too late for it to work it out.



You told me that you don’t really think we are official girlfriend and boyfriend, to you it feel more like we are only dating together. So much for all the hugs that we shares, the kisses that we gave and countless stayover at one another house, does that still mean we are only dating one another? If that is only dating, that means whatever we do in the past is what you and chia will be doing because you 2 are dating now, that means the same thing will happen. I can’t imagine the fact of my ex getting intimate with my own friend, I really can’t take it especially when the ex still mean so much to me. Everytime now and then it just keep me thinking about you n him spending time together which hurts me even more.



I know no matter what I say will never change your mind on giving up on us, as much as I plead with you asking you for forgiveness and one more chance, somehow it just doesn’t work out. To be honest, my heart totally shattered when you tell me that I am not your cup of tea and that is like huge blow to my heart feeling the pain even more. Its like the past few months is actually wasting your time, because nothing came out from it.



I think right now I can only act like nothing has happened and continue to live “happily” in the eyes of other people, maybe putting up a false front infront of other people will make other people happy and also let u less worry about me. Like what I told you this afternoon, “yes I am so happy that I finally single! Can celebrate my singlehood already as its been a long long time…” Deep down inside, I think the only thing I can celebrate now is me drinking alone at home to celebrate for being such an ass and failed in cherishing a person that I should be cherishing, once again! So I should smile and smile and smile, smile to everyone but not myself… I will be strong, yes I will in the eyes of yours.



*In the process of forgetting what is a real smile

I deserve it for my current situation

Back to blogging again, as usual I like to blog when I feel like shit as blog is where I can really release my sadness/frustration/anger or anything that has a great impact in my life.




After reading your blog post just now, I was totally shocked by the hatred you have for me and the hatred you have for this relationship. When I read it I really did not know how to response to it and only can blame myself for realized it too late, really. There is so many things that I wish to do to make the relationship better but I didn’t know everything that I do just make the relationship status from bad to worse. The truth is I don’t understand you well enough and I totally neglected your feelings. The feeling really sucks when I read your blog just now, I didn’t know the damage I cause to the relationship is so great that it can’t be salvaged anymore. I am really very sorry for being such a jerk, for not cherishing you well enough and only regret it after that. Many empty promises was broken by me and when I think back, I don’t know what words can I say to defend myself anymore.



Maybe its too late to say now but actually I enjoy reading my own gf blog for people that do not know this, because sometime through blog I get to understand my gf better and able to help bond the relationship better. I will go even as far as reading my gf blog posts that is as long as one year back or something so that I can understand my own gf and handle the relationship better. I know your blog add like one or two month ago when I was at your house one night, but sadly everytime I try to surf the blog it is always password locked, or rather it require me to sign in at the website. Therefore I couldn’t read the blog at all, I was afraid to ask you for your access because I was hoping I can read it in secret and do something that can surprise you to make you happy. It may sound like excuses or lies again, but I really keep trying to surf your blog which only end up with nothing. Now when I think back, if only I throw away my ego and pick up the courage to ask you for the access, how will the relationship be like now…



I am sorry for being selfish for the past few months and often neglected your feelings, always trying ways to shun away from the problem and with the mentality of “act blur live longer” mindset, thus building up the frustration in you. I hate myself for not knowing you well enough, not putting enough efforts and action to solve the obstacles between us. I feel like an ass when nothing I do now seem to bring the relationship back anymore coz you have already give up on it, like totally.



For the past one week, I have been checking your twitter like every 2hour, be it I am working or I am not working. Everytime I read it I only feel sadder and sadder, but however I can’t stop myself from doing it because that’s the only way I can know how are you. I remember you said that twitter is where you will tweet about anything and everything, through twitter you will post like how you feel for the day, what’s your mood like etc… That time when you told me your friend bf actually went to open a twitter account so that the bf know more about your friend, to be honest I did thought about opening a twitter account also just that I do not know how to open it and I feel like a idiot if I was to ask you because I always laugh at people for tweeting. Its me and my ego, seriously that has done damage to my life in many way. Now that everything is already returned and not with me anymore, I think I just going to feel even more lonely then before and somemore I got no more music in my life when I go work or travel around..



Life SUCKS, so do me! FML..

It's over dude, over!

Its been damn long since I last touched my blog, think it is already rusty like don’t know what… hmm… Anyway past few months a lot of things had happened in my life, many people entered in and out of my life; with that come happiness and definitely it come with sadness too. I realized that I can never be a perfect boyfriend that pleases everyone and also finding a person that really understand me on what I want. Many times when I tried to put in effort for a relationship, I realized it is too late already. Either the girl has already moved on and don’t wish to wait for me or its too late for the relationship to start blooming. Maybe the girl has already started dating other guys or maybe I disappoint the girl too much until she has already give up on me.

Initially Eunice was the first and only girl that I ever request for break up in all my relationships in the past, now there is another person to the list. I am sorry that I always disappoint you in the past and also request for a break up. Recently my mind is not in a very condition as many things has happened recently. If we were to carry on, I think end up you will only get hurt even further. Looking at the past few months, I think I really did not do my part as a bf, the number of times that we meet up is probably like once or twice a month only and also for like a short while only, many times I only give you empty promises etc. I can see that you are trying to change for me like quit smoking and not going out with other guys etc… That is also why I am really sorry for it and think that you need a better bf, someone that will treat you better then I do.

My mind is feeling like a loss and empty now, I used to feel so well loved and filled with programs to do or look forward to my off days when I can really enjoyed, now suddenly I feel very empty because there is no one else I can spent my days with. I think now my life is totally revolving around work and work and work only. Supposed to go on a short holiday in this month of May, but now I think everything is gone and I have totally no idea what I should do for my off days. Haiz…

drifting away?

Today was my off day and I somehow just waste it away I suppose? Woke up and went out to eat alone then went down to my store to settle some admin stuff. Ya, I went down to my workplace even on my off day, I seriously think I am committing more and more time to my store already and this is really a bad sign, but then again...if I didnt go down to my store today, I really don't know whats my plan for today. Actually suppose to have a few plans for today, supposed to go food fair with one of my friend but I end up decided not to go with her, I also not sure why also.. Just suddenly don't feel like going and also I feel like seeing siew.. Therefore I decided to go down raffles find siew, I know she got no time to eat dinner together so I just hoping I can go down to accompany her taking transport back to NTU.

She used to tell me that she loved the times that we spent sitting trains and buses together traveling around, this allow us to communicate more then traveling by bike. Well...Of course things doesnt go accordingly as planned, I didn't expect she has already planned to go back NTU with her friend after her work and somemore I didn't inform her beforehand that I am going down to accompany, thus I don't have the rights to accompany her back to NTU. Oh well..actually I think about informing you beforehand girl, but I know that if I was to tell you beforehand, you sure ask me don't waste my time to come down and accompany you back. So with that kind of answer in mind, how can I bring myself to inform you beforehand? I just didn't expect you have already plans to go back NTU with your friend and I suppose that is already a weekly kind of thing.

Therefore I got no choice but to make my way back home alone and spent most of my night watching tv at home alone. I didn't bother to ask people play mahjong because I already promise siew that I will try to minimize on gambling, thus I am trying to cut down on mahjong also. Watching tv at home make me realize there are so many movies that I feel like watching, but then again...who can I ask to watch movies with me? For the past two year, I already so used to watching movies together with gf, even thou there are occasion that I still watch with friend, but watching movie with gf and watching it with friends is totally different kind of feeling. I think I will be really nuts if I end up really go watch movie alone... zzZZzz

Tomorrow is mooncake festival, comparing one year ago and now really many things has changed... One year ago our relationship was still so sweet, I still can remember us playing candles at a place near my hse, I think that time we still got play firecracker somemore and make the whole place damn smoky.. haha.. That was the very first time that I play candles with my loved one, I don't think I ever did it with any other girlfriend before. Once again, we gave our "first time" to one another! One year ago, maybe to others we are quite childish, but now when I think back it is totally sweet memories.. If I have the chance, I don't mind do it all over again with you not for 1 time or 2 time, but for many many years to come.

For the past few years, I realize September has always been a shit month for me, it always have to happen in the September. Maybe I should consider just sleep through the month of september and hope october will be a better month to come.. haiz..

Under stress?

Looking at the photo above, we look like such a sweet couple and up till it has still remain as my hp wallpaper even thou we have already broke up for so many days. Till now I still can't accept the fact that relationship between us is already over, when I happened to glance at your phone wallpaper yesterday over dinner, it just further demolish my hope of saving the relationship when you have already change your wallpaper. Maybe its your way of letting people know you are single, or perhaps maybe is your way of trying not to think of me so much in order for you to get over soon.

When we meet up for dinner yesterday, even thou its only for a short while like barely less then an hour? I am really glad to see you and able to talk to you. When we are walking towards the coffeeshop, many times I have the urge of holding your hand and kissing you, but I have to resist the temptation because I know you are no longer belong to me and if I was to do it, I don't think there will be any more meet up already. Up till now, whatever I said still remain the same, if given a choice I really still want you as my gf and I still love you alot till this moment. You are constantly on my mind and nothing seems to distract me from it.

You ask me whether I am under stress recently because I seems to grown skinnier? I ownself seriously didnt realize I have grown skinnier or maybe is you too long never see me already. To be honest, yes I admit I am under stress, I am under stress thinking about our relationship all day long, the memories that we once shared and the pain that we go through together. Be it work, friends or family, nothing will be too stressful for me except relationship. No matter how things turn out badly for me towards friends or family, it could never measure up to the effect that a relationship can cause to me.

- I might not be the bf that understand you the most
- I might not be the bf that treat you the best
- I might not be the bf that cherish you the most

BUT

I am the bf that is always trying to give you everything I got, everything I do I always think of you. My poly buddy once told me that I suck at remember things like studies or any other important stuff, but my memory skill for remembering things in a relationship is excellent. He said that I always can remember all the small details of a relationship like what the girl like to drink, places that travel together before or things that done together before. I can't help but to agree his statement and I guess that is the thing that always make me unable to get over a relationship. Green tea is something that I know will never fail to brighten up your mood, I can even think of a slogan like "a bottle of green tea a day keep siew hui happy everyday!". Anyway I guess you are also quite shocked that I came down to bring dinner and drinks for you, but I guess you are really quite busy or maybe you just don't feel like talking to me? I don't know, but I think even if a friend was to visit you, you will at least wait for the lift together with him or her, but well...all I could think of perhaps you are really that busy just now, so ya...never mind.. I am still stuck in the battle of fighting the war alone, got no idea when this is going to end..

I really don't want to lose u away...

Back from genting after a 3d2n trip there with my mum. I should say this is quite a bad trip because lost alot of money plus my citibank card is being retained by the stupid atm due to wrong pin keyed. Totally FML!!

When I was walking around in genting, everywhere I go make me think of you. Really thinking of you, even thou when we are in genting we spent lots of time in the casino, but I really miss the holiday trip we had at the beginning of the year. This time round when I went with my mum, trust me I seriously don't want to bet much. I remember you asking me not to bet too much and I remember it clearly. When I lost the initial amount of money that I brought there, I already plan not to change the money and bet somemore already. I try go walk around the shopping areas alone while my mum is inside the casino gambling, everywhere I go I see couples if not will be people in big group. I rarely see any person travelling individually or shopping alone. Looking at couples and groups of people make me keep thinking of you again, I miss the time we shop together be it KL or genting and every single things we do together. The more I walk around the more emo I get, end up I head back to casino and continue betting aimlessly. I know many people will say this is me finding excuses to go gambling but dear, my this trip I am really going there with a heavy heart, my mind is constantly thinking of you. Everynight at genting, I only can look at your photos in my phone and cried myself to sleep.

You have played a too much important role in my life, something that I only really feel the pain when you are not by my side now. When I on my way back to singapore, I have already calculated my finance and I know it is completely screwed up with debts and debts and debts. I know no one like their bf/gf to be down with so much debts, I also don't wish to be stucked in this situation also. This genting trip and our relationship status now really give me a very big wake up call. I already planned up find a part time job to top my monthly income so that I can clear my debts faster. I also forcing myself to stop gambling on soccer or go casino anymore, at least not in the near future. This may sound lies but I guess only time will tell.. haiz...

those were the days...

Holiday with a heavy heart?

This blog post is my last post before I go for genting holiday trip with my mum and most likely this trip is going there with a heavy heart. I think the situations just got worse as days passes by and somehow I am shocked with the message that I received today.

The things that I type over here is not really a show of anger or frustations, to be honest it is more of like regrets that I am having now that led to our current situations, I regret for not treating you well enough in the past and build up a very strong foundation for our relationship before you entered uni. Every words that I type here hurts me more then hurting anyone, I am literally slapping or even stabbing myself with words when I type anything here. Yes I admit I am the person that have the thoughts of breaking up, but it is never easy for me to give up on this relationship because I seriously don't want this to happen. We all know where the problem in the relationship is, its just that you don't wish to admit to it and I don't like it to always put on a false front infront of you thinking that you still love me as much as before.

I am seriously shocked when you say my way of thinking is scaring you, is it really a wrong thing for me to think how I think when there are evidence and facts to show that you really don't love me so much anymore whereby I am actually loving you more and more? I am doing my part as a boyfriend yet my own girlfriend is telling me that I am scaring her? You know that I don't like it when a person lie to me and even worse will be I discovered the lies myself, its like you know slapping myself right in the face yet I can't do anything. But anyway its alright, I guess everything is my fault, I am just being a unreasonable boyfriend and too kaypoh for always worry too much for you. Maybe I shouldnt have fallen so deep into this relationship and give in so much to it that everything I do seems to be taken for granted already. Maybe its a wrong thing for me to vent my frustrations on facebook because I do not have any friends to have a heart to heart talk with? Everything is just my fault, let's just put blame on me ya.

I admit life will never be the same anymore since few days ago, you and me is already leading a different life now. To be frank, its more like I need you in my life then you need me in your life. There are thousand and one friends that is always there to console you or guys giving you tender loving care to pick yourself up when you are down, but for me I can only keep everything to myself because I can't even share this kind of things with my colleagues or even my family. It hurts, really...

Anyway I have no idea how this genting trip will turn out to be like with so many things happening before this trip. Furthermore my mom just told me yesterday night she have a bad feeling about this genting trip will have some bad things happened, she asked me to be extra careful. How nice this could be eh? oh well.. even my own body condition is going against me, has been vomiting for few days straight already, I think there is something wrong with my stomach also.. but oh well..who cares...

If you are still reading my blog, then maybe the only good news I can shared with you is that I managed to wash clean the red jacket with some chemicals and washing powder already. So you no need to feel bad or have the thoughts of buying another jacket anymore, you can save the money for some other important use already. And also I think maybe you should consider stop reading my blog and it might help you to lead a happier life and easier for you to get over me. I think the only purpose I still log into this blog is that this is the only place that I can express everything out with words or sometime pictures. Each day pass by make me miss you even more and think more of the past memories that we once shared together, memories of hugging you to sleep is something that I can only dream of it now. Truth hurts and life sucks when there is no love. FML

*recovering process*