Sleepless night...Is there really a bastard in me?

This post is going to be rather dragging and non-related to people who are not close to me, skip it if you dont feel like reading it.

I just had a very big quarrel with my gf and the topic of the quarrel has carried on ever since last month, then yesterday again the issue was raised and once again we quarrel until quite badly, now I n her is already sorta "break up". Haiz.. Is this ending that I bring myself into? I really do not know.

Perhaps it is just me and my character, the way I was brought up and the journey that I walk through make me who I are today, which I do not know whether it has benefit me or done more harm to me. People who know me well enough will know that actually I am a very outgoing and open minded person, be it the way I do things or the way I treat people. Even though I am attached, I always tell people that the last thing I want a friend to do is to distance himself or herself away from me just because I am attached. So everytime even though I am attached I still appear as though I am single and be close to many people, and sometime this actually backfire badly. I will slowly fall into a trap when the person actually show more affection to me then my gf. But most of the time, I will wake up eventually before anything really happen and someone get super hurt. Ever since my secondary school life, I will always have people that label me as being a flirt, a fishermen or a player. All those names has followed me ever since I was sec 4, is it because I am really such a person? Or is just because other people is unable to accept the thinking that I had and do not understand me well enough.

To me, a gf will definitely be much more important then a friend because a gf is someone that is very important to me in my life. even though friends is also important to me but somehow it is just at a different level between gf and friends. Its okie if my friend do not understand me, but I feel hurt when my own gf do not understand me well enough and I think I always high expectation from my gf in terms of understanding me, thats why I seldom have a gf that really last for very long. However, be it the friend is close to me or not close to me at all, I do not like it when my gf scold and insult my friend infront of me, same thing like I do not like my friend insult or scold my gf infront of me. It is just my way of showing mutual respect for both parties, I believe many of you can understand how does it feel when you are stucked in between friends and bf/gf. It is a damn sucky feeling when you just want to be a peacemaker between the two parties. It happen before in many of my relationships that I can easily name a few, Eunice and Chu ling, Yuanshan and Cherrie, Chenyin and Ngo Laam. No matter how NEUTRAL I am, one of the party will always say that I am siding the other side and the other side will also say the same thing to me. So I end up sandwiched between two parties and seriously is it too much or too unreasonable of me when I ask one party to stop scolding another party infront of me? I don't care whether you going to scold another person or what, what I ask for is just please don't do it infront of me cause I really do not know how to react to it.

I always act as a counsellor to many of my friends or campers that have relationship problems, being a big brother/sister/daddy/mummy to many of them by offering advice, a shoulder for them to lean on and a listening ears for their problems. But when it come to myself, I always find myself facing alot of problems in my own relationship, unable to manage it well for a long period of time. Sometime I also do not know what I really look for in a relationship, is it because I just cant settle down? I think that I am not good enough for my gf? Or I haven't found a correct person that can convinced me that its really the time for me settle down now. There can be hundred and one reasons around, but I really do not know which is the best reason that best describe me.

Last year, I found a girl that I really wanted to settle down with, someone that I can building a future together with. But end up what I get is being hurt badly and pick up far too many learning points from that relationship. I had never ever gone so crazy for a relationship before in my life, and the first time I put in so much effort into a relationship is the one that hurt me the most. Its not easy to pick myself up from that failed relationship, I been through loads of shit to get over it, really. After that failed relationship, I become a reserved person and proceed to all the new relationships with caution, preparing myself for the worst that could happen. This might seem unfair to my gf, but I really got no choice but proceed with caution after being hurt so badly before.

As for my "current gf", I and her also been through quite alot of difficulties then got together. Alot of people think that I and her wont last long because our thinking is very different, way much different from one another. She was still attached when I know her at the beginning of the year and I was sorta "attached" too. Thinking back, I could really never thank her enough for walking through the tough journey with me when I was facing the biggest shit of my life in the beginning of the year. She trusted me again and again, willing to solve my problems with me and help me with alot of dificulties. Even though our character is very much different from one another, we still tried building on a relationship together. It is really not easy with the kind of friends we each have and the different environment that we grow up from. Initially everything was fine, sometime we will have little argument here and there but it was never too serious, until last month when everything go haywire. I do not know where is the relationship is heading to and right now alot of things is running through my mind, I guess I really need time to sort it out.

*CY: I just open and watch the video that I made for you for your 21st birthday, thinking back few months ago and looking at where we at now, its way too much difference isnt it? When is the last time we really share the joy we had like before, the smile that we used to see on each other face? The patience, tolerance and able to compromise for one another? It just feel so different now, really...